I’m going through one of those overload times again. I’m having trouble fitting everything together. While I have massively more time now than I did, say, a year ago, I am still constantly feeling like I don’t have nearly enough time. Which leads me to stay up too late. Which leads me to not get enough sleep. Which leads me to stumble around like a zombie much of the day. Once Phoebe goes to bed, I putter around for a bit before digging in to my work. Then I end up realizing how late it is, and how little I’ve gotten done, so I stay up later. Often in a half-panicked state. Overall, my efficiency is not high these days. I’ve been spending a lot of time working and doing work, but the quantity of actual work I achieve keeps falling short of my expectations.
And due to a variety of factors, not the least of which is my own idiocy, I did not finish an assignment that was due for my class last night. Not because I hadn’t put time into it. Not even because I put off starting it. But because I sank a lot of time into learning stuff that was not actually central to the assignment. And then in the last push to finish, I experienced some technical difficulties. Which set me back a few hours.
At around 1:00 Sunday night (or Monday morning, if you prefer), I realized that even though I could hypothetically finish the write-up within an hour or two, I just couldn’t manage to push myself any more. And I realized that I would be putting my health and safety at risk to pull an all-nighter. I’m too old to push myself that way, and driving to class on no sleep would have been irresponsible.
So I decided to ask for an extension. Even though it probably means getting some points off, possibly even a lot of points. But I’ll take my lumps. Lord knows somebody needs to knock some sense into me.
I need to adjust my expectations. It really doesn’t matter in the slightest what grade I get in this class I’m taking. By that, I mean, it wouldn’t matter in the slightest if I don’t get an A. Maybe it would even be good for me. This perfectionism thing is pretty counter-productive. I really need to get over it.
collecting tokens 
ah. it’s a vicious cycle, isn’t it….i can say this: i have never, not once, since finishing graduate school lamented the fact that I didn’t get all A’s.
Never not ever once. But in those many moments, i sure beat myself up.
Aaah, the perils of perfectionism. And the anguish it can bring the perfectionist.
Alejna, FWIW, I used to be a perfectionist but certain things I’ve witnessed plus events over the past 10 years or so of my life have caused me to move away from that mindset.
One is that I saw a perfectionist role model at grad school effectively have a nervous breakdown. (It was never official and generally hushed up but when you hear that she spent a weekend at her house convinced that people were coming over to kill her…)
Another involved what a boss told me upon my leaving academia for “the real world” — and this in response to my telling her that I figure that it’s okay for me to aim to do something 80-90% instead of 100% well: “Just aiming for 50% will do fine”!!!
Anyways, good luck with completing your assignment. And with adjusting your expectations to make them realistic and attainable without overly stressing yourself.
As someone who is a month late with her thesis proposal, and who just had a meltdown last week because of it, I offer you this:
http://insidehighered.com/workplace/2006/03/01/mckinney
It really puts things in perspective. And they wouldn’t have graded it on time, anyway.
Coming from someone who just stayed up until now (three + hours in a row transcribing an interview…I repeat…TRANSCRIBING as in word for word and 108, 937 “you know’s”, 83, 402 “I mean’s” and 39,439 “uh….’s”, I am a little bit testy- GET TO THE POINT SUBJECT DUDE)
Not only do I have a pressure ulcer but my eyes are about to pop out of my head.
I know perfectionism. It sucks.
(Qualitative research project. Don’t ask)
Hey, you’re not alone.. I’ve been stuck for months, if not years, in the stay-up-late/lethargic-next-day/panic-late-in-evening/stay-up-late cycle. And I don’t have to care for an infant (besides myself).
However, perfectionism isn’t a bad thing. The alternative is the day it hits you, with a profound impact, that none of this really matters at all, and that there may be far better ways to spend a day than revising a few pages that one person (if you’re lucky) will read before the paper ends up a forgotten file on your hard drive, or reading and taking meticulous notes on a paper that you will promptly forget or will conclude, after many hours of effort, doesn’t relate all that much to what you’re doing anyway. Trust me, perfectionism is far more motivating. You would think there would be a happy medium, though..
jeanerz- (hi Jean!) great article. I was very aware of the AWOL scenario but hadn’t considered that it was so common or typical. My only caveat is that, having worked as admin in academia, I know what’s being said about the students who don’t go AWOL, but show up every week with not much to say and/or not much accomplished. Nothing particularly nasty, but judgements are made. It’s fear of exposing ourselves and having these “can’t” judgements applied to us that makes so many of us go AWOL, methinks.
Hey, all-
Just a quick note to say that I have finished my homework, but now have to run off to my violin lesson. More of my insanity.
But thanks so much for all your comments. They helped. (I’ll hopefully be able to reply better later…)
the violin? oh, the sweetness.
Yowza. So many comments. Yippee!
jen-
Thanks for that perspective. And I hadn’t realized you went to grad school.
and the violin? oh, the sweetness.I know perfectionism. It sucks.
Yes, you clearly have the disease, too. Is there any hope, doctor?
(Qualitative research project. Don’t ask)
Can’t I ask? I’m very curious about your transcription stuff.
bs-
I’ve been stuck for months, if not years, in the stay-up-late/lethargic-next-day/panic-late-in-evening/stay-up-late cycle. And I don’t have to care for an infant (besides myself).
Yes, that is the cycle. And here I thought I’d invented it.
As far as the infant thing goes…you’re funny.
And as far as the other bitterness goes…yeah, I guess the good side to perfectionism is that is some form of motivation. Plus I have the delusions that eventually something that I write (for academic purposes) will be read by more than one person. I’m aiming for an audience of maybe 3 or 4.
It’s fear of exposing ourselves and having these “can’t” judgements applied to us that makes so many of us go AWOL, methinks.
Yeah, I share that fear. I read something not too long ago (whatever time frame I mean by that) about the “imposter syndrome.” I have more than a touch of that myself. Or else I really am an imposter.
Here’s the wikipedia link to the Impostor Syndrome, which I have more than a little touch of, myself.