etiquette matters

Dear readers,

I greatly appreciate the the kind reponses to my earlier discussion of some matters of etiquette. Several of you have sent me queries on addtional points of etiquette, and I have felt that these deserve a more in-depth response than I was able to provide earlier. Below, please find the original queries, as well as my thoroughly researched responses.

I will gladly accept further etiquette questions, which I may be able to address at a future date.

Best regards,
Ms. Mismanners

jwbates wrote:

Dear Mismanners:

When is it appropriate to swear in a thank-you note? And which particular taboo words are appropriate?

Please provide a corrected version of this letter:

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Smith,

Thank you for the damn teddy bear. Phoebe will certainly get many hours of enjoyment playing with it, until its damn eyes fall off and become a choking hazard.

We greatly appreciate your generosity, and will remember you fondly on our trip to the damn emergency room.

John, Alejna, and Phoebe

jwbates additionally provided the following information:

Please note that the above letter is merely representative, and does not refer in any way to any specific present Phoebe has received in this, or any other, holiday season. However, preparedness is essential, and I wish to fully understand the correct etiquette to be utilitized should this situation arise. I’m afraid that an off-the-cuff response may lead to shocking impropriety.

Dear jwbates,

I cannot improve upon the wording of your excellent letter. I think that you have a sound intuition about matters of etiquette, and that you should put your talent to work right away. Might I suggest that you compose thank you notes for various members of your family? I must add, though, that in writing thank you notes, it is customary for only the author of the note to sign the letter. (Therefore you should not include the names of your spouse and offspring.)

bs wrote:

Dear Mistress Manners,

When you are walking in the rain, and a luxury car whose driver is undoubtedly distracted by the demands of his/her cell phone and/or iPod and/or breakfast hits the puddle at the side of the road just right so as to thoroughly soak you, is it more proper to scream “douchebag” or “asshole” at them? Also, is it worth it to throw your cup of coffee at them if this negates your reason for going out in the rain in the first place? Thank you for your time.

Yours,
BS

Dear BS,

As you are well aware, the etiquette of interactions between pedestrians and operators of motor vehicles is quite complicated. In cases such as the one you describe, where a driver of a luxury car causes a nearby pedestrian to become well acquainted with the contents of a puddle, the pedestrian may properly respond with several different responses. However, which response is most appropriate is dependent on a variety of factors, including geographic location of the incident, day of the week, and puddle circumference. If the incident takes place in a Midwestern US town on a Tuesday, and the puddle is large, “douchebag” is the most appropriate response, but “asshole” is the preferred term on a weekend. In large cosmopolitan cities such as New York, Boston or San Francisco, you may choose between “douchebag,” “asshole,” as well as alternatives such as “shit for brains,” “dickweed” or “squidnuts” to shout at the driver, no matter what day of the week.

As for your question about throwing your cup of coffee, I would refrain from spilling your hard-earned beverage. In the rain, the coffee would likely rinse right off the offending luxury vehicle. Instead, it is best to be prepared for such cases by carrying along with you various bits of rotting fruit and vegetables, preferably tomatoes and lettuce, such as you might have ready for when you attend the theater or other stage production. Such colorful yet biodegradble items are much more likely to be noticed by the driver, and may become stuck in the vehicle’s windshield wipers.

jeanerz wrote:

Mismanners: Since I too have problems with writing timely thank you notes, is there ever a sufficient period of time that passes such where you should not write a thank you note? That is, is it ever _impolite_ to write a thank you note, given a long enough span of time?

jeanerz

Dear Jeanerz,

Your question is on a very delicate matter. Other than a few really uptight individuals who need to get over themselves, people are generally happy to get a thank you note no matter how late. However, there are a few circumstances under which it is no longer polite to send a thank you note. For example, if the person whom you wish to thank is deceased, it is considered somewhat rude to send him or her a thank you note. (For a start, it is unusual for such people to leave a forwarding address.) Likewise, it may be considered rude to send a belated thank you note to anyone who has entered a witness protection program since the time of the original gifting. Another circumstance where a thank you note may be considered impolite is when enough time has elapsed such you have forgotten what the individual gave you, or what the occasion was, or who the person was. For example, the following letter would be inappropriate:

Dear friend, relative and/or former co-worker,

Thank you so much for the generous gift that you may or may not have given me for my wedding, twenty-fifth birthday, bat mitzvah, graduation, secret santa exchange, retirement party, or arbor day. I greatly treasure the sweater, chocolates or vase and wear it often, found them delicious or put it on my mantle with a bouquet of lupines. I hope that these past months, years or decades find you well and/or living.

Sincerely and/or with much love,
your friend, relative and/or former co-worker Sue