Category: fun

insert witty egg-themed pun here

We went down to John’s parents for Easter, and just got back a little while ago. (Ugh, it’s late.) But I wanted to share a few pictures from our egg-related festivities. The highlight of our holiday was having Phoebe’s first Easter egg hunt. To get ready, we dyed some eggs. Here’s the end product. (Two of the eggs seriously cracked during a hideous boiling accident, so were deprived of dye.)

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It had been many, many years since I’d dyed eggs for Easter. I think it was probably in the early 80s. I would expect great advances in egg-decorating technology since those times. Remarkably, the package of dye that John’s mother had on hand looked remarkably like the ones I remember from my childhood, though. Here’s our set-up, with pot of hard-boiled eggs and the egg-decorating kit.

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Please look closely at the date on the price tag.

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In case you can’t make it out, it’s “3/81”. As in March, 1981. Yes, this egg-decorating kit dates back to the egg-decorating days of my youth.

The 26-year-old dye tablets didn’t fare terribly well. Only one of these “fizzing” tablets actually managed to put on a display of fizz.

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With a little help from some drops of relatively fresh food coloring (which, judging from its packaging, may have been only 20 years old), we had some dying success. Voila!

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Of course, all our efforts were made worthwhile by Phoebe’s glowing face on the egg hunt!

crispy flakes of wisdom and crunchy nuggets of knowledge

One of the prize books in my collection is a book by none other than J. H. Kellogg, M.D. Yes, of corn flakes fame. Many have heard of this notable personage from the book The Road to Wellville by T. C. Boyle (and movie based on the same).

I stumbled across this book while browsing in a used book store in East Lansing, Michigan. (I was there for Linguistics Summer Camp.) Having heard of Kellogg, I was intrigued. And with a title like Plain Facts, and a publication date of 1882, I had to see what it was about. I opened the book to a page at random. And laughed out loud. I flipped through more pages, and laughed again. (snort, snicker…) I had to buy the book before I was thrown out.

It turns out that the “plain facts” are all about sex. As written by someone who felt that sex should be avoided whenever possible.

I don’t remember what the first passage I read was. But the beauty of this book is that nearly every page offers some piece of wisdom that I just couldn’t make up. I must share it with the world at large.

For example, we learn from page 87 that young women must not get their feet wet at certain times of the month, or they may do permanent damage:

A young lady who allows herself to get wet or chilled, or gets the feet wet, just prior to or during menstruation, runs the risk of imposing upon herself life-long injury.

Even babies may be in danger from the “stamp of vice,” as we learn from page 183:

Sometimes–rarely we hope–the helpless infant imbibes the essence of libidinous desires with its mother’s milk, and thence receives upon its forming brain the stamp of vice.

And not to leave out the dangers to men, there’s page 366, which offers this dire warning about the perils of auto-eroticism:

Many young men waste away and die of symptoms resembling consumption which are solely the result of the loathsome practice of self-abuse.

So I offer to you a game. Please give me a random (or carefully selected by whatever means you like) number between 1 and 512, and I will attempt to locate some notable nugget of wisdom for you in the vicinity of that page.

[Note: I’ll get back with the nuggets for you next Tuesday, April 10th.]

eat your hearts out

It’s Valentine’s Day again. And one thing that means is the annual return of little candy hearts. Little chalky-tasting pieces of candy, shaped like hearts, and with text printed on them. These are a bizarre tradition, but apparently one that’s been around for well over a hundred years.

The original traditional candy hearts were started by NECCO, The New England Confectionary Company, in the 1800’s, and that company still dominates the little candy heart trade today. The official name of their hearts is “Sweethearts® Conversation Hearts”. Typically, the little hearts have sayings like “be mine” and “kiss me” stamped on them. I hadn’t realized, but apparently they change the assortment of sayings on the hearts from year to year. This year, according to their website, the theme is inpired by animal lovers, with sayings such as “top dog”, “my pet”, “purr fect”. (These may be particularly popular among furries this year.)

and.jpg I picked up a box of the NECCO Sweethearts at a local convenience store. Not because I like to eat them, or give them. But because I was amused to see that “and” was stamped on a couple of the hearts. Now with conjunctions! go_home.jpg (My set didn’t have the animalistic sayings, though. Perhaps I have some of last year’s batch. But how can you tell if these things are stale? Does chalk go stale?) Other than “and,” though, there weren’t any other random function words. But there was “go home,” which seemed oddly cynical for these folks.

And in case the sweetness of the traditional hearts is too saccharine for your tastes, you can now buy BitterSweets:

Now available in TWO unique collections, “Dejected” and “Dysfunctional,” featuring up to 37 unique sayings each!

“Dejected” sayings include:

I MISS MY EX | PEAKED AT 17 | MAIL ORDER | TABLE FOR 1
I CRY ON Q | U C MY BLOG? | REJECT PILE | PILLOW HUGGIN
ASYLUM BOUND | DIGNITY FREE | PROG FAN | STATIC CLING
WE HAD PLANS | XANADU 2NITE | SETTLE 4LESS | NOT AGAIN

“Dysfunctional” sayings include:

RUMORS TRUE | PRENUP OKAY? | HE CAN LISTEN | GAME ON TV
CALL A 900# | P.S. I LUV ME | DO MY DISHES | UWATCH CMT
PAROLE IS UP! | BE MY YOKO | U+ME=GRIEF | I WANT HALF
RETURN 2 PIT | NOT MY MOMMY | BE MY PRISON | C THAT DOOR?

What with technological advances, we now can also get virtual little candy hearts. Here’s one generated just for me when I filled out a quiz. And unlike some other results I’ve had on these things, this one kinda fits me.


Your Candy Heart Says “Get Real”


You’re a bit of a cynic when it comes to love.
You don’t lose your head, and hardly anyone penetrates your heart.

Your ideal Valentine’s Day date: is all about the person you’re seeing (with no mentions of v-day!)

Your flirting style: honest and even slightly sarcastic

What turns you off: romantic expectations and “greeting card” holidays

Why you’re hot: you don’t just play hard to get – you are hard to get

But for many years, I’ve wanted to compose my own little candy hearts. And while NECCO can print up special batches of hearts for you, I’m not sure I’m ready for this level of commitment:

Got a special message for your sweetheart? NECCO can custom imprint Sweethearts Conversation Hearts, if you’re willing to buy a full production run – approximately 3,500 pounds of the six-flavored candies or 1.6 million individual hearts.

But have no fear. Now there are websites that let you make up your own candy hearts, and spare you the sugar overload. One such is this one, which has allowed me to engrave the following sentiments in virtual candy:

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But while the large size of the candy hearts above allows for longer expressions and therefore a greater range of possibilities, my favorite little candy heart generator is the ACME Heart Generator. Like the hearts I remember from my childhood, and like those you can still find today, the size of the heart is small. The text is limited to 1 or 2 lines of 4 characters each. And these constraints provide a bit more of a challenge.

Here are some of the ones I’ve come up with. Enjoy.

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