home magazine feature

Phoebe‘s turning one this week, and to mark the occasion, we’ll be having some people over this weekend. Which is very exciting. We used to have parties about twice a year. But due to some various new changes to our household and leisure activities, it’s been quite some time since our last fête. Anyhow, since we’ll be having people over soon, this means we should probably get out the rakes and shovels, and try to find the living room.

Which reminds me. We recently had an interview with American Hovel Magazine, the magazine dedicated to lowering acceptable neatness standards in the home. I’m proud to say that they’ll be featuring our home in the upcoming April, 2007 edition. I’m sure you’ll all be running out to the newstands to pick up your copy (unless you already have a subscription). But since you must be impatient, I thought I’d share with you some of the highlights from the interview.

Highlights from our American Hovel Magazine interview

Alejna: Welcome! Please come in. [Ushers interviewer in through tunnel from front door.] Please have a seat. If memory serves, I think the couch is over here. [Dislodges items from the top of what appears to be a large pile of books, electronics and toys.] Yes! I thought so! Please, have a seat.

American Hovel Magazine: Thank you. [Sits down, accompanied by sound of cat yowling.]

Alejna: Oops! That was a surprise! We don’t even have a cat. [Pulls cat out from sofa cushions.] Hey, little guy! Did you chase the squirrels in here? [Cat jumps away to disappear under a nearby pile.] Sorry about that.

American Hovel Magazine: Don’t worry about it. The last house I was in, there were raccoons in the sofa. Well, let’s get to the interview. First, let me tell you how impressed I am with your home. It’s rare that we see conditions like this that don’t involve natural disasters. Are you sure you didn’t have a bit of help from a tornado? You can tell me off the record.

Alejna: [laughs.] No, no tornado. Though we did have a bit of help. [Sits down on a big pile of clothing.]

John: [muffled grunting] Hey! [The pile Alejna is sitting on shifts. John emerges, standing up and brushing a few squirrels off his shirt.]

Alejna: [standing] There you are! [kisses John on cheek.] I was afraid you’d miss the interview.

American Hovel Magazine: It’s good to have you both here. Let’s get on with the questions. Tell me…

Alejna: Oh, wait, you haven’t met Phoebe. I think she’s around here somewhere.

[A small face with chubby cheeks and big blue eyes emerges from an otherwise empty toy box, and Phoebe crawls across a mound of plush toys.]

Phoebe: mama dada yaya.

American Hovel Magazine: Ah, yes. This must the help you mentioned. Tell me, how long have you…

[ring, ring…the muffled sound of a phone ringing is heard.]

Alejna: Excuse me a moment. John, could you find the phone? I think it’s on the kitchen counter. [John deftly pulls out a phone from beneath a tower of credit card offers, catalogs, supermarket flyers and handouts on compuational linguistics, but a passing squirrel causes the tower to topple, temporarily burying Alejna.]

Alejna: [emerging from the mountain papers, several minutes later.] Okay, where were we?

American Hovel Magazine: I was just about to ask you some questions. I’m sure our readers would absolutely love to learn about how you…

Phoebe: Waaah. Dipe. Waaah.

Alejna, John: We’ll just be a moment. Please, help yourself to some snacks in the meantime. There should be plate of donuts under that laptop. We hope you don’t mind the squirrels.

American Hovel Magazine: Um…thank you.

[Alejna, John and Phoebe return several minutes later]

Alejna: Sorry that took so long. We had a bit of a laundry landslide. But the good news is we found that we have another room that we’d forgotten about.

American Hovel Magazine: Ah, how wonderful for you. I’ve just been dying to ask you about…

[ding, dong…]

Alejna: Excuse me just a moment…

9 thoughts on “home magazine feature

  1. That was seriously funny, even if it did hit too close to home. The worst for me is finding a stack a papers from school with all sorts of notices for events and important stuff long since past. I just found the notice about my second grader’s class Valentine’s party. Apparently, I was supposed to provide candy. I assuage my guilt by assuming that the kids’ dentists are happy that I was unable to stay on top of that one.

  2. What’s especially funny is that the neighborhood cat *did* sneak in last night, while the garage door was open. He mainly sniffed around, decided that we didn’t have any mice this time, and made a quick exit.

    Nobody sat on him.

  3. Alice-
    Yes, the piles of papers do frighten me. I fear finding past-due bills. A couple of weeks ago I found a Christmas card and letter from my aunt. We have yet to deal with stacks of papers from school. Maybe we should homeschool just to avoid the school notices, and the guilt of overlooking them…And yes, I’m sure your kids were better off without the candy. They probably don’t even like candy.

    I should have known it was you! Does that mean you’ll be in an upcoming AHM too?

    I’m glad we don’t have any mice this time…Now if we could only deal with those squirrels.

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