from behind closed doors

Dear Homeowner,

We regret to inform you that several individuals placed in our care are no longer eligible to continue residence in our facility.

In the uppermost level of the facility, several bagged items have greatly exceeded recommended levels of frost. In particular, the contents of the bag of store-brand Mixed Vegetables have become inextricably melded together.

In the Lower Level, in the departments known as “Vegetable Crisper,” we have become concerned about the rapid degeneration of one Bunch of Celery and several Zucchinis (aka “Courgettes”).

On the Main Level, a large container of Plain Yogurt has only recently expired, yet it is only the most recent such instance. There are several partially used jars of Salsa, Spaghetti Sauce and Various Condiments which should no longer be considered Viable for Consumption. While many are not yet visibly spoiled, our records indicate that these items have been in long-term care far beyond recommended time limits. We have been notified that the opening of the jar of Sweet Pickles, in particular, most certainly pre-dated the birth of your first child.

Additionally, there are many other items whose earthly remains may no longer be identifiable by visual means. There is a glass container which houses, according to our records, what had once been a portion of Canned Black Beans. We consider it advisable that these remains be removed from our premises and disposed of posthaste. Failure to do so may result in additional spoilage and potential generation of new life-forms.

Please remember that while we strive to provided the utmost in Low-Temperature Care, our ability to maintain levels of ick-free storage depends on your upholding your portion of the contract. Should these matters not be resolved in a timely matter, we may consider closing our facilities to further new items.

Thank you for your prompt attention to this matter.


Your Refrigerator and Freezer

This week’s Monday Mission was to post in the form of a letter of regret. I have done so. Perhaps regrettably. To find more regrettable letters, check your mailbox. Or stop by Painted Maypole.

17 thoughts on “from behind closed doors

  1. Wow! That was excellent! And probably equally applicable to my fridge… I think there’s a container of what was once fresh sheep’s milk ricotta cheese (difficult to obtain in the U.S., and has a VERY short shelf life–generally less than a week). I think I may have bought it in July. Unfortunately, I think it may have evolved to a level of lethality that makes me reluctant to disturb it….

    1. I’m glad you liked it, Sally! As for the ricotta, that does sound rather intimidating. Have you considered leaving the door open and giving it a bit of time to see if it departs on its own?

  2. Absolutely friggin’ brilliant!! And TRUE!

    I believe your appliances may rival your pants in the humor department. :o)

    And congrats on completing NaBloPoMo!

  3. I love this! You reminded me of when I visited my Great Grandfather and cleaned out his fridge (and cooked and cleaned, etc.) — I kept pulling stuff out and asking, “PapPap, look at the date on this! How old IS it?” And he’d laugh and say, “1492!”

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