Category: randomness

size matters

I am, of course, talking about matters of dimension.

I was talking to a friend today over the phone. Phoebe was singing happily in the background, and it was a beautiful sound. I wanted to record it, and lamented not having a recording apparatus at hand. Whenever I break out my laptop, my preferred means of recording sound, Phoebe gets distracted by it, and clams up. So no recording.

So anyhow, I was telling my friend that I’d like to get a solid state recorder, which is an electronic device that records into solid state memory. (“Non-rotational media,” as John said when I asked.) I just saw one that my advisor has earlier this week, and it was a nice compact size, especially compared to one I’d seen that another professor works with. I explained to my friend that the device was “about the size of a first-generation iPod,” and compared it to the larger recorder, which was “about the size of an old dial-up modem.”

Which made me realize what funny size comparisons I’d given, and reflect upon how such comparisons are so culturally-based. And in this case, sub-culturally-based. I mean, I just compared these items to two out-of-date pieces of technology. If I’d been talking to my mother-in-law, for example, these comparisons would have been meaningless. It can actually be pretty hard to come up with helpful size descriptors without resorting to actual dimensions in some sort of metric. I mean, do we really want to say “it’s rougly 10 by 6 by 1.5 centimeters” or “maybe 6 inches by 8 inches, and 2 or 3 inches deep”?

Anyhow, here are some possible item pairs to approximate the size of the devices I was describing. (My friend and I came up with some of them, and then John and I added some later, and then I’ve added a few more.) Of course, these are pretty culturally-dependent, too:

The larger item would be:

  • about the size of a box of Wheat Thins
  • more-or-less the size of the 3rd Harry Potter book in hardcover (thicker than the first one, but not as thick as the fifth)
  • around the size of the tape drive from a TRS-80

    • The smaller one is:

  • about the size of a half-sandwich, not too thick though
  • about the size of a “bath-sized” bar of Ivory soap
  • roughly the size of a cassette case
  • a bit bigger than of a pack of cigarettes
  • a bit smaller than a package of HoHos

    • to sleep, perchance to drive

    I just saw this NYT article, which discusses new warnings that the FDA will be issuing about certain drugs. It seems that some sleeping pills have been blamed for some “unusual side effects,” including sleepwalking, sleep eating, and sleep driving:

    The review was prompted, in part, by queries to the agency from The New York Times last year, after some users of the most widely prescribed drug, Ambien, started complaining online and to their doctors about unusual reactions ranging from fairly benign sleepwalking episodes to hallucinations, violent outbursts, nocturnal binge eating and — most troubling of all — driving while asleep.

    Night eaters said they woke up to find Tostitos and Snickers wrappers in their beds, missing food, kitchen counters overflowing with flour from baking sprees, and even lighted stoves.

    Sleep-drivers reported frightening episodes in which they recalled going to bed, but woke up to find they had been arrested roadside in their underwear or nightclothes.

    These freaky side effects were described in more detail in this NYT article from last year.

    Anyhow, such bizarro events do sound like they’d be truly disturbing, not to mention often downright scary. I’ve occasionally talked in my sleep, and have had a couple instances of sleepwalking in my lifetime. And they are freaky. But holy crap, driving while asleep? It’s pretty amazing what people can manage…Anyhow, while I think it’s great that the FDA is issue the warnings, I can’t help but think that the drug companies are missing out on some opportunities. I think there would be a market for pills that would allow you to get stuff done while sleeping. Here are some sleep-time activities that might be marketable:

  • yard work: Lawn need mowing? Garden need mowing? How about chopping some wood? Take a pill, and saw some logs while you saw some logs.
  • house cleaning: Who really wants to be awake for cleaning? Dream that dirt away, and awake to sparkling floors and counters.
  • car maintenance: Fall asleep reading the manual and you just might wake up to find your oil-changed and your tires rotated. Get a wax in twenty winks.
  • writing: Particularly popular for the academic set. Need a chapter written of your dissertation? Just sleep on it! Let the letters fill up the pages while you catch some “z”s.
  • awkward social obligations: Been avoiding that visit to the in-laws? Dreading dinner with the boss? You can snooze and schmooze!

    • I can just imagine the drug commercials:

    “I went to bed, and woke up to find the lawn mowed, the cabinets organized and the poodle shaved. Thanks, Somnambulex!”

    many thanks for all the pants

    As I have quickly risen to the highest echelons of the pants-writing set, it is my responsibility to divulge breakthroughs in my ongoing pants research whenever possible. So I would be remiss if I did not share with you (with her permission) the following excerpt from an email sent by my lovely friend Elizabeth, without whom I could not have reached these great pants heights. (You see, it is Elizabeth who first introduced me to the inherent funniness of the word pants.)

    Oh, and this morning I was innocently washing my hair when I noticed that my shampoo bottle had a trivia question on it: Who do people say they talk to the most? And then it said the answer was on the conditioner bottle. I grabbed the conditioner bottle and the answer was….PANTS. I kid you not. As it turns out, I bought the green shampoo and the purple conditioner and even though they’re the same brand, they’re not the same type, so they have different questions and answers. So I’ve spent most of this morning trying to figure out what the answer to the question is (I would guess spouse/partner, Evan thinks it’s themselves) and what the question could possibly be that’s answered by the word pants. It’s all I can do not to drive to CVS and check out the green conditioner and purple shampoo. I think it’s cruel that hair product manufacturers would do this. I mean, don’t most people take showers in the morning, when they’re not at their sharpest mentally?

    Anyway, thought you’d appreciate the random appearance of pants in my life.

    –Elizabeth

    In the interests of pants research, I aks for your help. Please consider some possible questions which might be answered with “pants”, and share them with the greater pants community.

    May the pants be with you.

    home magazine feature

    Phoebe‘s turning one this week, and to mark the occasion, we’ll be having some people over this weekend. Which is very exciting. We used to have parties about twice a year. But due to some various new changes to our household and leisure activities, it’s been quite some time since our last fête. Anyhow, since we’ll be having people over soon, this means we should probably get out the rakes and shovels, and try to find the living room.

    Which reminds me. We recently had an interview with American Hovel Magazine, the magazine dedicated to lowering acceptable neatness standards in the home. I’m proud to say that they’ll be featuring our home in the upcoming April, 2007 edition. I’m sure you’ll all be running out to the newstands to pick up your copy (unless you already have a subscription). But since you must be impatient, I thought I’d share with you some of the highlights from the interview.

    Highlights from our American Hovel Magazine interview

    Alejna: Welcome! Please come in. [Ushers interviewer in through tunnel from front door.] Please have a seat. If memory serves, I think the couch is over here. [Dislodges items from the top of what appears to be a large pile of books, electronics and toys.] Yes! I thought so! Please, have a seat.

    American Hovel Magazine: Thank you. [Sits down, accompanied by sound of cat yowling.]

    Alejna: Oops! That was a surprise! We don’t even have a cat. [Pulls cat out from sofa cushions.] Hey, little guy! Did you chase the squirrels in here? [Cat jumps away to disappear under a nearby pile.] Sorry about that.

    American Hovel Magazine: Don’t worry about it. The last house I was in, there were raccoons in the sofa. Well, let’s get to the interview. First, let me tell you how impressed I am with your home. It’s rare that we see conditions like this that don’t involve natural disasters. Are you sure you didn’t have a bit of help from a tornado? You can tell me off the record.

    Alejna: [laughs.] No, no tornado. Though we did have a bit of help. [Sits down on a big pile of clothing.]

    John: [muffled grunting] Hey! [The pile Alejna is sitting on shifts. John emerges, standing up and brushing a few squirrels off his shirt.]

    Alejna: [standing] There you are! [kisses John on cheek.] I was afraid you’d miss the interview.

    American Hovel Magazine: It’s good to have you both here. Let’s get on with the questions. Tell me…

    Alejna: Oh, wait, you haven’t met Phoebe. I think she’s around here somewhere.

    [A small face with chubby cheeks and big blue eyes emerges from an otherwise empty toy box, and Phoebe crawls across a mound of plush toys.]

    Phoebe: mama dada yaya.

    American Hovel Magazine: Ah, yes. This must the help you mentioned. Tell me, how long have you…

    [ring, ring…the muffled sound of a phone ringing is heard.]

    Alejna: Excuse me a moment. John, could you find the phone? I think it’s on the kitchen counter. [John deftly pulls out a phone from beneath a tower of credit card offers, catalogs, supermarket flyers and handouts on compuational linguistics, but a passing squirrel causes the tower to topple, temporarily burying Alejna.]

    Alejna: [emerging from the mountain papers, several minutes later.] Okay, where were we?

    American Hovel Magazine: I was just about to ask you some questions. I’m sure our readers would absolutely love to learn about how you…

    Phoebe: Waaah. Dipe. Waaah.

    Alejna, John: We’ll just be a moment. Please, help yourself to some snacks in the meantime. There should be plate of donuts under that laptop. We hope you don’t mind the squirrels.

    American Hovel Magazine: Um…thank you.

    [Alejna, John and Phoebe return several minutes later]

    Alejna: Sorry that took so long. We had a bit of a laundry landslide. But the good news is we found that we have another room that we’d forgotten about.

    American Hovel Magazine: Ah, how wonderful for you. I’ve just been dying to ask you about…

    [ding, dong…]

    Alejna: Excuse me just a moment…

    eat your hearts out

    It’s Valentine’s Day again. And one thing that means is the annual return of little candy hearts. Little chalky-tasting pieces of candy, shaped like hearts, and with text printed on them. These are a bizarre tradition, but apparently one that’s been around for well over a hundred years.

    The original traditional candy hearts were started by NECCO, The New England Confectionary Company, in the 1800’s, and that company still dominates the little candy heart trade today. The official name of their hearts is “Sweethearts® Conversation Hearts”. Typically, the little hearts have sayings like “be mine” and “kiss me” stamped on them. I hadn’t realized, but apparently they change the assortment of sayings on the hearts from year to year. This year, according to their website, the theme is inpired by animal lovers, with sayings such as “top dog”, “my pet”, “purr fect”. (These may be particularly popular among furries this year.)

    and.jpg I picked up a box of the NECCO Sweethearts at a local convenience store. Not because I like to eat them, or give them. But because I was amused to see that “and” was stamped on a couple of the hearts. Now with conjunctions! go_home.jpg (My set didn’t have the animalistic sayings, though. Perhaps I have some of last year’s batch. But how can you tell if these things are stale? Does chalk go stale?) Other than “and,” though, there weren’t any other random function words. But there was “go home,” which seemed oddly cynical for these folks.

    And in case the sweetness of the traditional hearts is too saccharine for your tastes, you can now buy BitterSweets:

    Now available in TWO unique collections, “Dejected” and “Dysfunctional,” featuring up to 37 unique sayings each!

    “Dejected” sayings include:

    I MISS MY EX | PEAKED AT 17 | MAIL ORDER | TABLE FOR 1
    I CRY ON Q | U C MY BLOG? | REJECT PILE | PILLOW HUGGIN
    ASYLUM BOUND | DIGNITY FREE | PROG FAN | STATIC CLING
    WE HAD PLANS | XANADU 2NITE | SETTLE 4LESS | NOT AGAIN

    “Dysfunctional” sayings include:

    RUMORS TRUE | PRENUP OKAY? | HE CAN LISTEN | GAME ON TV
    CALL A 900# | P.S. I LUV ME | DO MY DISHES | UWATCH CMT
    PAROLE IS UP! | BE MY YOKO | U+ME=GRIEF | I WANT HALF
    RETURN 2 PIT | NOT MY MOMMY | BE MY PRISON | C THAT DOOR?

    What with technological advances, we now can also get virtual little candy hearts. Here’s one generated just for me when I filled out a quiz. And unlike some other results I’ve had on these things, this one kinda fits me.


    Your Candy Heart Says “Get Real”


    You’re a bit of a cynic when it comes to love.
    You don’t lose your head, and hardly anyone penetrates your heart.

    Your ideal Valentine’s Day date: is all about the person you’re seeing (with no mentions of v-day!)

    Your flirting style: honest and even slightly sarcastic

    What turns you off: romantic expectations and “greeting card” holidays

    Why you’re hot: you don’t just play hard to get – you are hard to get

    But for many years, I’ve wanted to compose my own little candy hearts. And while NECCO can print up special batches of hearts for you, I’m not sure I’m ready for this level of commitment:

    Got a special message for your sweetheart? NECCO can custom imprint Sweethearts Conversation Hearts, if you’re willing to buy a full production run – approximately 3,500 pounds of the six-flavored candies or 1.6 million individual hearts.

    But have no fear. Now there are websites that let you make up your own candy hearts, and spare you the sugar overload. One such is this one, which has allowed me to engrave the following sentiments in virtual candy:

    istalku.jpegloser.jpegsucking.jpeg

    But while the large size of the candy hearts above allows for longer expressions and therefore a greater range of possibilities, my favorite little candy heart generator is the ACME Heart Generator. Like the hearts I remember from my childhood, and like those you can still find today, the size of the heart is small. The text is limited to 1 or 2 lines of 4 characters each. And these constraints provide a bit more of a challenge.

    Here are some of the ones I’ve come up with. Enjoy.

    biteme-yellow.jpgblahblah.jpgoop_ack.jpgbro-ken.jpgdick.jpgdorkface.jpgfishlips.jpgfoot.jpgholyshit.jpgmyass.jpgrong.jpgscru.jpgyousuck.jpgbit-chy.jpgin_hell.jpglusr.jpgmilf.jpgmoo.jpgno_hope.jpgoh_crap.jpgwtf.jpgyo_dude.jpgdumb_fuck.jpgran-dom.jpg

    I’m a Jedi Knight, apparently

    You know how there are those formulas you can use to determine your Star Wars name? A bunch of them are available on the web. Most of them involve formulas along the lines of this:

    For your new first name:
    1. Take the first 3 letters of your 1st name & add
    2. the first 2 letters of your last name
    For your new last name:
    3. Then take the first 2 letters of your Mom’s maiden name & add
    4. the first 3 letters of the city you were born.

    How to determine your Star Wars honorific name & title:
    1. Take the last three letters of your last name & reverse them.
    2. add the name of the first car you drove/owned.
    3. insert the word “of”
    4 Add the name of the last medication or supplement you took.

    But you see, I don’t even need to do that. Because apparently, my name is already plenty starwarsesque. Behold!

    Alejna ignited her yellow lightsaber and positioned herself in the Makashi form, Garden dropped into a Niman form and ignited his two blue lightsabers. Garden jumped into the air and started swinging at Alejna fueling every swing with force speed. She blocked hit after hit…

    Yes, in the last few weeks, someone in the Star Wars role-playing universe has created a character named Alejna. Jedi Knight. And I’m happy to say that she can kick some ass. (What a relief.)

    There’s a duck in the dishwasher.

    These are words I spoke soon after arriving home last night. “There’s a duck in the dishwasher.” And as is a common curse with those working in linguistics, I (sometimes) actually listen to the words that come out of my mouth. “There’s an unlikely sentence,” I said to John. And googling “duck in the dishwasher” in fact brings up only one (two if you count the archive of the same) hit, with the following line: “…and so before I clean the duck (in the dishwasher) I first have to squeeze the water out.”

    So I bring to you this duck in the dishwasher. My own duck in the dishwasher. (Thus increasing the frequency of the sequence of words “duck in the dishwasher” on the web.) And I hope to start a collection of highly improbable-sounding, but spontaneously and appropriately contextually-oriented, sentences. So if you have any to share with me, please do so. (Before you duck in the dishwasher.) (Did I mention I need to nap? Haven’t done that yet.)

    duck.jpg

    And by the way, this post is largely an excuse to set up my Technorati Profile.