Dear Mr. Rackham,
I regret to inform you that we are unable to offer you a position as nanny in our home at this time. While we truly appreciated your time and efforts in coming to the interview, we feel that there is not a good match between you and our family.
Both little Emma and Neil were greatly intrigued by your colorful anecdotes. When Neil admired your stylish eyepatch, it was very considerate of you to take it off to let him wear it. The empty eye socket greatly impressed both children. However, I’m sorry to report that both children have been visited by frequent nightmares since the interview.
In addition, their teachers have sent home notes expressing concern that both children have been using increased amounts of inappropriate language at school. Neil was reported to have asked the lunchlady, “what’s crawled out of th’ bung hole, me hearty wench?” while Emma allegedly made another first grader walk the plank during gym class. When queried about this, Neil simply responded “Arrrr!”, and Emma scowled and waved what appeared to be a cutlass at me in a menacing way. (If this item was a gift from you, I must stress that this is far too generousa gift for such a small girl.)
You clearly have some strong ideas about discipline, and Mr. Smith and I appreciated all of your advice. However, we feel that corporal punishment, especially using the cat-o’ nine tails, is somewhat too harsh to use with children under the age of 7. There is also the matter of personal hygiene. We had hoped that our nanny would work with us to foster a reverence for cleanliness and neatness. However, both children have been quite taken with your statement that “washin’ more than twice a year be fer lily-livered scalliwags.”
While we had only expected that you would stay for the 45 minute inteview that we find typical, it showed great initiative that you were intent on moving in with us at that time, and remarkable perserverance that you chose to camp out in our yard upon hearing that we were not yet ready to make a decision about the position. We must ask, though, that you please consider departing as soon as you can pack your trunk and retrieve your parrot.
We wish you success in your search for employment.
Sincerely,
Mrs. Jane Smith
p.s. Enclosed please find the names and address of a family on the far side of town who may be in need of a nanny.
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This post is offered up as part of this week’s Monday Mission, which asked for posts in the from of a rejection letter. It can also be considered a follow-up post to last week’s submission of a resume.
On the topic of rejection letters, though, you should really check out this one, which is the funniest rejection letter I’ve seen.
collecting tokens 
Whatever you do, check your silver. If it’s still there, lock it away!
I must admit I’m a bit sad. I was rooting for Rackham all the way. I hope the kids get over it.
very funny! and i love that you made it a follow up to your resume. clever lass.
You had me at “The empty eye socket greatly impressed both children.”
Very, very funny, all of it!
Hmm. Somehow I believe my children would be begging to hire you.
Very cute!
Yes, as soon as my son learned the bathing twice a year was sufficient, all bets would be off.
Arrrr.
Have you read *The Government Manual for New Pirates*? It is very funny and I suspect you’d get a kick out of it.
Oh – I just went and read the ultimate rejection letter. Oh yeah! Too funny.
So I guess my using a cat-o-nine tails on my preteens would be crossing a line?
What? No pirate manny?
I think I love the word wench as much as you love the word pants.
hahaha! as soon as you retrieve your parrot–priceless!
Mad-
Yeah, it is sad he got turned down. But I’m sure his many charms will land him a job soon.
painted-
Thanks. All in a day’s work. Or not doing work.
rimarama-
Glad you enjoyed it. We aim to please.
Jennifer-
That the trouble. The kids all want the pirate nanny, the parents not so much.
flyingmum-
Arrrr, indeed.
Emily-
No, I’m not familiar with it. I should check it out.
Jen M-
Glad you followed that link. As for the cat-o-nine tails for preteens… I’m not sure what the right cut-off age is. It’s a delicate matter. I’m sure my pirate friend would give you the go ahead, though.
k-
Hey, is a “manny” a man nanny? Or was that just fortunate typo? And I’m sure someone will hire him.
NotSoSage-
Wench is a mighty fine word. But there’s not much finer than a wench in pants.
Aaar … nobody rejects a Rackham (that’s RACK-em to lily-livered swabbies such as yer sorry selves!).
And if ye thinks I’ll be departin’ soon from th’ cosy camp here ye’d better think agin.
Oh sorry, gosh it’s so hard to stop speaking like a pirate …. and this post seriously made me laugh out loud. Aaarr it did and truly.
azahaaar-
Glad to make ye laugh. Have you recovered yet from the pirate talk?
Not quite… it’s just too much fun!