Once upon a time, in the kingdom of a Giant Bookstore, an events Calendar would grace the cash registers and bulletin boards of the store each month, listing book signings and readings and happy occasions.
One day, a hapless customer stumbled across something startling in the upcoming events: a signing scheduled with one of the authors who contributed to an anthology of Inspirational Writings for the Children of the Kingdom. The book was lauded in the Calendar Scroll as a “copulation of stories for children…”
For it so happened that the writer of this Events Calendar had been caught unawares by the perils of the Spell Check. Under this evil Spell, an innocent Typo was turned into something much more sinister and inappropriate. Having likely typed copilation in place of compilation, the Spell was recast, transforming the innocent word into copulation.
This caused great embarrassment in the land, and caused many a tree to be felled for the Improprer Calendars to be re-scribed.
The difference of a character or two in the title of story can mightily change the character of the story. In that spirit, I offer you this copulation of children’s stories and rhymes. Many of which may not be suitable for children.
A Copulation of Children’s Stories and Rhymes
Table of Contents
I. Poplar Stories:
- Goodnight Moron
- The Very Hung Caterpillar
- Bicurious George
- The Runway Bunny
- Frog and Toad are Fiends
- Charlotte’s Weed
- Hairy, the Dirty Dong
- Mike Mulligan and his Steamy Shover
- The Cat in the Heat
- Mary’s Poppin’
- Clifford the Big Rude Dog
- The Wine in the Willows
- Lite Women
- Where the Reefer Grows
- Harpy Pooter
- The Wonderful Wizard of Ooze
- Marty Had a Little Lamp
- Hickory Dickory Dick
- Humpy Dumpy
- Little Ho Peep
- Little Miss Muff
- Poop Goes the Weasel
- The Farmer in the Deli
- Do You Know the Muff Man?
- Wee Willy’s Winkie
- Little Jack Horny
- Peter Peter Pumpin’ Beater
- Snot White and Roe Red
- The Little Math Girl
- Goldilocks on the Three Bears
- The Princess and the Pee
- Jack and the Beatstalk
- Puss in Boobs
- The Twelve Panting Princesses
- Little Red Riding Ho
- Snow White and the Shaven Dwarfs
- Beauty and the Breast
- The Three Little Prigs
II. Nunnery Rhymes:
III. Classic Fairy Tails:
This week’s Monday Mission was to write a post in the form of a children’s story or poem. (Yes, I realize it’s Tuesday today. This is hardly the only thing I’m running late for.)
This typo really did happen back when I worked in the bookstore, and it still makes me giggle these many years later. (I can do that, because I wasn’t among those who wrote or proofread the calendar in question.) I’d been wanting to share this list and story for a while, so this seemed a good occasion to do so.
20 thoughts on “The Evil Spell Check: A Cautionary Tail”
OMG. You just caused me to laugh my ass off.
Seriously, it’s over there by the door. It was in my chair…and now it’s on the floor.
You had me laughing & disgusted and laughing.
Shaven Drawfs and Willy’s Winkie…you kill me!
My stomach hurts a bit. You win for making me laugh hardest today.
You get no prizes…
would I be revealing too much if I mentioned that some of these titles exist?
Best post ever.
Will you not DO that while I am trying to drink my coffee?
You are so, so clever. You are going to have me doing this to every children’s book title I know. Just wait until Mad sees this!
I was already crying when I got to ‘Bicurious George’.
Now I know why I like you so much. You and Paul have the exact same sense of humor. You would completely appreciate what he does to Sesame Street songs.
Awesome! I read The Very Hung Catepillar – Disgusting! And so graphic!
Those are great. And I’m embarrassed to admit how many of those suggested ‘fixes’ made me laugh out loud. Like LOUD. My sense of humor is refined, indeed.
omg- too funny!
hysterical! every last title was great, but my favorite was Mike Mulligan and his Steamy Shover
he he he
my dear friend’s son favorite book is the cleaner version of this. She would SO appreciate this. In fact, i might send her this list!
I am going to be singing Marty Had a Little Lamp all day long.
This so reminds me of Monty Python:
(Eric Idle, sitting with large children’s book, at desk) Hello, Children, hello. Here is this morning’s story. Are you ready? Then we’ll begin. (opens book; reads) ‘One day Ricky the magic Pixie went to visit Daisy Bumble in her tumbledown cottage. He found her in the bedroom. Roughly he gabbed her heavy shoulders pulling her down on to the bed and ripping off her…; (reads silently, turns over page quickly, smiles) ‘Old Nick the Sea Captain was a rough tough jolly sort of fellow. He loved the life of the sea and he loved to hang out down by the pier where the men dressed as ladies…’ (reads on silently; a stick enters vision and pokes him; he starts and turns over page)….. ‘Rumpletweezer ran the Dinky Tinky shop in the foot of the magic oak tree by the wobbly dumdum bush in the shade of the magic glade down in Dingly Dell. Here he sold contraceptives and … discipline?… naked? … (without looking up, reads a bit; then, incredulously to himself) With a melon!?
I love it! Lots of full-out chuckling on this one.
“Do you know the muff man?”
Yes. He’s such a cunning linguist.
You are without peer, m’dear.
All so very hilarious. We watch Bicurious George way too much in this house. I can see how that elongated yellow hat could be tempting for little George.
Hairy, the Dirty Dong…heh.
Oh! Thought of one: Harriet the Spry.
And one that doesn’t belong here: Freddy the Prig.
LOVE this post–yay!