Dear kind readers,

I must apologize for the delay in responding to your queries. I’m afraid that it’s been almost 2 months since my last column, and I fear that I have left you unadvised on some important matters of etiquette concerning driver-pedestrian interactions.

Here is our first query, submitted by a kindly reader in response to my last column, and repeated below for your convenience:

Ms. Mismanners, please lend your thoughtful advice to me, in my time of need.

Every day I take the bus home, I cross a busy highway. At the crosswalk. With the appropriate crosswalk sign (the steady walking person). And nearly every day I do this, I am faced with a stream of irate commuters trying to make a right-hand turn through the crosswalk onto the highway.

I do my best to express my gratitude to the kindly drivers who actually notice this lowly pedestrian, generally by waving, smiling, or nodding to them. But what is the appropriate response to the drivers who speed up at the sight of me (to better zip around the corner, mere inches from my nose), or those who actually swing around the kindly drivers, and then yell at me when they have to come to a screeching halt or run me over?

Thank you in advance for your advice.

Dear conscientious pedestrian,

Your query is indeed a difficult one, and I have spent many an evening researching in the historic tomes of etiquette. One possible response would, of course, be to behave in a manner similar to the appropriate response to drivers who rudely splash nearby pedestrians by driving through puddles, as discussed in my previous column. Specifically, one may respond by hurling colorful rotting produce and idiomatic expressions. I recommend eggplant, tomatoes and the expression “rat bastard,” which was suggested as a useful phrase by a kind reader. However, for cases where driver rudeness pushes within life-threatening ranges, you may want to refer to the following sources:

The book Favorite Everyday Hexes, Spells and Sangria Recipes: a How-to Guide, by Philippa Martin-Rodriguez. Oxford University Press, 1963. In particular, chapter 27, entitled “How to exact revenge upon a discourteous driver” should prove to be particularly useful to you.

You may also find this more recent article to be of interest: “Crosswalk Curses and Highway Hexes,” by Martin Quimplemeyer, in Black Arts for the Urban Commuter Quarterly, Spring 2006, pp 38-45.

I hope this information will be of use to you.

Best regards,
Ms. Mismanners

The second query is on a very related topic, and I can only hope that the writer of the previous query has not become acquainted with the writer of this one due to my slow response.

Dear Ms. Mismanners,

I’m in a bit of an unusual situation, and would greatly appreciate your knowledgable advice. I would like to buy a gift for a fascinating and extraordinarily attractive young woman with whom I became acquainted quite recently, but I do not know what gift would be most appropriate to mark the occasion of our meeting. We met last Saturday as I was on my way to a convention of squid enthusiasts. As I passed through the intersection of Main Street and Fourth Avenue, I was reflecting upon a recent article I’d read on the mating habits of Batoteuthidae, and chuckling to myself about a gaff made by the author of the article, when I couldn’t help but admire the graceful movements of a stylishly dressed young woman as she rolled across the hood of my car.

While this remarkable young woman sustained only minor injuries, and is expected to be released from the hospital within the week, I still wish to extend to her some token of my regrets over the unfortunate incident, as well as my admiration of her character and person. Could you please suggest what gift I might present to her?

Sincerely,
a cephalopodophile

(Editor’s note: this letter is actually somewhat of a paraphrasing of the original query, which came via search engine requests in the form of a search for “gift pedestrian hit car etiquette”)

Dear cephalopodophile,

It is always difficult to shop for those whom you do not know well, even in cases where you have shared a connection such as the one you have described. Not knowing the young woman’s taste, you may want to consider a basket of fruit. An arrangement of a dozen or so long-stemmed pineapples makes a dramatic statement, and one that the recipient won’t quickly forget. You may also want to consider a limited edition commemorative figurine from the Precious Moments Death, Dismemberment and Debiliating Disasters series. Of course, either of these gifts will be most appreciated in combination with the receipt of a large insurance settlement, and the knowledge that your driver’s license has been revoked, that your car has been impounded and a that a restraining order has been issued.

Warmly,
Ms. Mismanners

I would be very happy to address other etiquette concerns from readers who may wish to submit questions to me. I promise that I will respond to those requests in a timely manner, unless I find I have better things to do.