Dear Santa,
How are you this year? I hope this holiday season finds you well. I know it can be a stressful time of year, especially when you have a lot of people to shop for, and elves to supervise. I’ve heard how those reindeer can get out of hand, too.
Anyhow, as you probably guessed, I’m writing to ask you for what I want for Christmas.
I really have enough stuff, thanks, so I don’t need any trinkets or doodads. I’ve got more books than I have time to read, more DVDs than I have time to watch, more cooking equipment than I have time to use. We have far too much stuff.
So, please, no more stuff.
Actually, what I’d love would be for you to take away some stuff. So, when you come to our house, please arrive with your big bag empty. It might be helpful if you come when your sleigh has been unloaded, too. I mean, we have so much stuff it might take more than one trip. Is there any chance you could also rent a van? You might want to bring a few of the elves along, too.
I’m hoping you can leave us with the things that we really use, and those items that have true sentimental value. You’re supposed to know these things, right? I mean, you know if I’ve been bad or good, so for goodness sake, you must know which pants are too tight. Not to mention that I haven’t worn that pair of shoes in about 5 years or that I have never once used the double boiler.
I also trust that you can find good homes for all our excess stuff, so it can be put to good use, or at least recycled.
Gratefully yours,
Alejna
p.s. While you and the deer are up on the roof, would you mind giving a good scare to the squirrels that have found their way into the attic? Or perhaps you could offer them a ride on your sleigh. A one-way trip, if you know what I mean.
—-
This was brought to you by this week’s Monday Mission, which called for a post in the form of a letter to Santa. Hosted by Painted Maypole (who is usually quite nice, but is on occasion naughty).
collecting tokens 
Very Cleaver I love it! This is the sort of Santa letter we need! Great work!
I saw a man in red driving a Budget van slowly around my neighborhood this weekend. I called the cops, but if he is who he says he is, he should be able to make it to your place by the 24th.
I love it! I’m such a ridiculous packrat – holding on to things I know I will never wear or use again. Honestly, I need a tough-love Santa for grown-ups who does exactly this kind of thing.
Send him our way, but if he gets here first, that bag might be a little full for your stuff. There is no light at the end of the tunnel until the kids are gone…that is what my wife says. We just sold two swings and some kind of bouncy thing today on craigslist…hip-hip-hurray!
i know we’re jewish, but if he has any room left over…
oh, I could use that service to. I would SO pay someone to do it, as a matter of fact.
Ooooooo, this is what I need too. Especially a Santa who knows which clothes I haven’t worn in the past three years and will ruthlessly dispose of them.
Oh, and who also knows which electronic cables are now obsolete and should be chucked.
The other day I was thinking about what I really wanted and the first thing that popped into my head was “time”. The only thing I really want more of is time! Then I wanted to slap myself for being so cheesy…
Alejna, love it! So, so apt. We have a brand new drop off building at our dump where people can leave Stuff, in case other people want it. Very civilized. I think Santa hangs out there when he’s not needed elsewhere.
Have a happy, happy Christmas.
That sounds lovely. I need to be boxing up the toys the kids have outgrown right now, but, well, I’m blogging instead. SURPRISE!
this was awesome!
Stuff. Lots of it. He can start with the Polly Pockets and their unnatural silicone clothing.
Right now we have mice under our sink. We watch all these Christmas shows and read all these picture books where the happy mice families celebrate the holidays in a symbiotic relationship with the people in the main part of the house. HA! We have half a dozen traps set and the other day, I saw the hammer sitting ominously where my husband had left it–just outside a cupboard door.
Merry, merry, Alejna–to you and yours.
Hope you dont mind but I have added your letter to my blog giving you credit. It is really great good work again.
Paul-
Thanks!
de-
Oh, good. Thanks for sending him my way.
Kimberly-
I’m a horrible packrat. Poor Santa will be completely overwhelmed. (I did actually work with an organizer for a while. If Santa does cater to my needs, I may need to call her back in. I wonder if I can get her to wear a Santa hat…)
mtae-
I keep being on the verge of placing some ads on Craig’s list. Some day soon, I hope. (And if Santa comes here first, I’ll suggest he unload the sleigh before hitting your house, too.)
Emily-
I’ll put in a good word for you. (I doubt there will be any room left over, but maybe he’ll make an extra trip. I’m pretty sure you’ve been a good girl.)
Painted-
I actually have paid someone for this type of service. I recommend it. Seriously. Professional organizers rock.
azahar-
Ugh. The cables. I just came across a big box full of chargers and cables. Like some sort of nesting place for an electronic rat.
heather-
Yeah, you and me both. I mean about wanting the time. Not about wanting to slap you for being cheesy.
Mary G-
That sounds great. I think there are places like that in this state, but not terribly close to home. Maybe I’ll make a road trip at some point, though.
Kyla-
Yeah, I’m certainly guilty of that. But dammit, blogging is pretty much the only thing I do for me right now.
maja-
Thanks! I’m glad you enjoyed it.
Mad-
Yeah, real life mice don’t quite get the same welcome as the cartoon ones. Maybe if they put up tiny little trees and stockings instead of crapping in our silverware drawers…
Paul (again)-
I don’t mind at all. In fact I’m quite flattered! Many thanks!