May the new year bring you health, happiness, and when possible, flying babies.
Category: silliness
squeaky clean
“There’s a duck in the dishwasher,” she said with surprise.
Okay, so I posted this photo before, ages ago. But it just screamed out to me to be posted for the PhotoHunt theme of “squeaky.” Squeaky toy, squeaky clean.
Dear Santa
Dear Santa,
How are you this year? I hope this holiday season finds you well. I know it can be a stressful time of year, especially when you have a lot of people to shop for, and elves to supervise. I’ve heard how those reindeer can get out of hand, too.
Anyhow, as you probably guessed, I’m writing to ask you for what I want for Christmas.
I really have enough stuff, thanks, so I don’t need any trinkets or doodads. I’ve got more books than I have time to read, more DVDs than I have time to watch, more cooking equipment than I have time to use. We have far too much stuff.
So, please, no more stuff.
Actually, what I’d love would be for you to take away some stuff. So, when you come to our house, please arrive with your big bag empty. It might be helpful if you come when your sleigh has been unloaded, too. I mean, we have so much stuff it might take more than one trip. Is there any chance you could also rent a van? You might want to bring a few of the elves along, too.
I’m hoping you can leave us with the things that we really use, and those items that have true sentimental value. You’re supposed to know these things, right? I mean, you know if I’ve been bad or good, so for goodness sake, you must know which pants are too tight. Not to mention that I haven’t worn that pair of shoes in about 5 years or that I have never once used the double boiler.
I also trust that you can find good homes for all our excess stuff, so it can be put to good use, or at least recycled.
Gratefully yours,
Alejna
p.s. While you and the deer are up on the roof, would you mind giving a good scare to the squirrels that have found their way into the attic? Or perhaps you could offer them a ride on your sleigh. A one-way trip, if you know what I mean.
—-
This was brought to you by this week’s Monday Mission, which called for a post in the form of a letter to Santa. Hosted by Painted Maypole (who is usually quite nice, but is on occasion naughty).
goosey, loosely
It’s that time of year again. You know, when the goose is getting fat. And you know what? So is my goose list for this fine Themed Things Thursday. But I’m in a bit of a rush, so I’ve gotten a bit loose in my descriptions.
A flock of geese things
- one’s goose is cooked: an expression meaning that one is in trouble. Eg. “She knew her goose was cooked when she saw the flock of angry geese heading her way”
- a wild goose chase: an expression for a fruitless venture, usually involving a lot of wasted energy. And sometimes flying feathers.
- a goose walked over my grave: an expression meaning “got a sudden chill”
- goose bumps: bumps that a appear temporarily on the skin when a person is cold. Perhaps because the skin looks a bit like that of a plucked goose.
- what’s good for the goose is good for the gander: an expression meaning that both male and female should be plucked. Or otherwise get equal treatment.
- take a gander at: an expression meaning “have a look.” As in “Take a gander at those soldiers doing the goose step.”
- goose step: a formal style of military marching.
- Spruce Goose: an airplane made out of wood.
- to goose: to poke someone in the butt, or between the cheeks.
- gets my goose: an expression one says when something has annoyed or made angry. (Probably a corruption of the similar “gets my goat.”) You know what really gets my goose? Getting goosed.
- duck, duck, goose: a children’s game played in a group. Participants sit around in a circle and quack and honk. (No, not really. Click the link if you don’t already know the game.)
- Mother Goose: a name given to the author of traditional nursery rhymes, who may or may not have been a real individual.
- Gossie: a children’s book by Olivier Dunrea about a gosling and her bright red boots.
- “The Goose Girl”: a fairy tale about a girl who is frequently goosed. Or maybe not.
- The Golden Goose: a recipe for roasting a goose. Or maybe it’s another fairy tale.
- The Goose That Laid the Golden Eggs: a fable attribute to Aesop about a couple who had a profitable business agreement with a goose until they got too greedy.
- killing the goose that laid the golden eggs: an expression based on the above fable, said of people who have it out for geese, and are worried about cholesterol levels.
- goose egg: a slang term for zero, based on the fact that goose eggs weigh absolutely nothing. Or maybe because of their shape.
- silly goose: what one might call a person who is behaving in a silly way.
- give a gift of geese: Heifer International offers geese among their gift options, getting a family a goose to raise. Much better than getting goosed.
It’s a Wonderful Knife
Watching The Nutcracker is a long-time favorite Christmastime utensil tradition in many homes. But did you know that there are plenty of other excellent holiday specials and movies about utensils?
Lesser-known Holiday Utensil Shows
The Evil Spell Check: A Cautionary Tail
Once upon a time, in the kingdom of a Giant Bookstore, an events Calendar would grace the cash registers and bulletin boards of the store each month, listing book signings and readings and happy occasions.
One day, a hapless customer stumbled across something startling in the upcoming events: a signing scheduled with one of the authors who contributed to an anthology of Inspirational Writings for the Children of the Kingdom. The book was lauded in the Calendar Scroll as a “copulation of stories for children…”
For it so happened that the writer of this Events Calendar had been caught unawares by the perils of the Spell Check. Under this evil Spell, an innocent Typo was turned into something much more sinister and inappropriate. Having likely typed copilation in place of compilation, the Spell was recast, transforming the innocent word into copulation.
This caused great embarrassment in the land, and caused many a tree to be felled for the Improprer Calendars to be re-scribed.
—-
The difference of a character or two in the title of story can mightily change the character of the story. In that spirit, I offer you this copulation of children’s stories and rhymes. Many of which may not be suitable for children.
A Copulation of Children’s Stories and Rhymes
Table of Contents
-
I. Poplar Stories:
- Goodnight Moron
- The Very Hung Caterpillar
- Bicurious George
- The Runway Bunny
- Frog and Toad are Fiends
- Charlotte’s Weed
- Hairy, the Dirty Dong
- Mike Mulligan and his Steamy Shover
- The Cat in the Heat
- Mary’s Poppin’
- Clifford the Big Rude Dog
- The Wine in the Willows
- Lite Women
- Where the Reefer Grows
- Harpy Pooter
- The Wonderful Wizard of Ooze
- Marty Had a Little Lamp
- Hickory Dickory Dick
- Humpy Dumpy
- Little Ho Peep
- Little Miss Muff
- Poop Goes the Weasel
- The Farmer in the Deli
- Do You Know the Muff Man?
- Wee Willy’s Winkie
- Little Jack Horny
- Peter Peter Pumpin’ Beater
- Snot White and Roe Red
- The Little Math Girl
- Goldilocks on the Three Bears
- The Princess and the Pee
- Jack and the Beatstalk
- Puss in Boobs
- The Twelve Panting Princesses
- Little Red Riding Ho
- Snow White and the Shaven Dwarfs
- Beauty and the Breast
- The Three Little Prigs
II. Nunnery Rhymes:
III. Classic Fairy Tails:
——
This week’s Monday Mission was to write a post in the form of a children’s story or poem. (Yes, I realize it’s Tuesday today. This is hardly the only thing I’m running late for.)
This typo really did happen back when I worked in the bookstore, and it still makes me giggle these many years later. (I can do that, because I wasn’t among those who wrote or proofread the calendar in question.) I’d been wanting to share this list and story for a while, so this seemed a good occasion to do so.
Fork, spoon, or other?
As so often happens after I post a list, I was struck by an omission. I left a spoon off yesterday’s utensil list. A big spoon:
Claes Oldenburg‘s Spoonbridge with Cherry sculpture, in Minneapolis, Minnesota.
It occured to me that where there is a spoon, there is likely also a fork. And sure enough, there exists at least one giant fork:
A giant fork sculpture by Jean-Pierre Zaugg and Georges Favre, stuck into Lake Leman in front of the Alimentarium (the Food Museum) in Vevey, Switzerland.
In case you would like a few more utensil-related tidbits to stick your fork into, I offer up a quiz. (First seen at raincoaster.)
|
You Are Chopsticks |
 People see you as exotic, unusual, and even a bit intimidating. You are a difficult person to figure out. In truth, you try to live a very simple life. |
(It would appear that I am actually two utensils, as chopsticks are generally not a single item. I suppose if I came up as a single chopstick it would mean that I am a rather dull instrument, largely useless except for clumsy poking and stabbing.)
photo credits: fork by µµ, and spoon by Mulad.
setting the table
Today is Thanksgiving Day in the United States, a holiday marked by primarily by sitting around a table and eating. In honor of the day, I’ll set the table for you.
This ThThTh list features utensils. Actually, just forks and spoons. I’ll keep the knives stored safely away for another day. Likewise, I will avoid the hazards of the spork.
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A collection of spoons (and forks)
- Spoon!: The battlecry of The Tick.
- spooning: a position for cuddling.
- born with a silver spoon in one’s mouth: an expression said of one who is born into a wealthy family.
- Silver Spoons (1982-1987) A TV show about a rich kid and his father. (Did anyone else remember that the show had regular appearances from Jason Bateman as a kid?)
- Can you hang a spoon from the tip of your nose?
- gag me with a spoon: an 80s Valspeak exclamation used to express contempt and/or disgust.
- A Spoonful of Sugar: a song from the movie Mary Poppins.
- Hey Diddle Diddle: A nursery rhyme in which a dish rus away with a spoon:
Hey diddle diddle,
The cat and the fiddle,
The cow jumped over the moon.
The little dog laughed to see such fun,
And the dish ran away with the spoon. - And the Dish Ran Away With the Spoon: a picture book by Janet Stevens.
- “There is no spoon”: a line from The Matrix, and a reference to this spoon-bending scene:
- fork in the road: a type of intersection.
- The Dirty Fork Sketch, from Monty Python:
• An effete British superhero, to be precise. I am pilfering your tableware because I hurl it. I hurl it with a deadly accuracy. The Blue Raja is my name. And yes, I know I don’t wear much blue and I speak in a British accent, but if you know your history it really does make perfect sense…The point is: Your boy’s a Limey fork-flinger, Mother.
• I say, what the fork! Let’s do it!
• May the forks be with us.
So there’s my list. Stick a fork in me, I’m done.
If you’re looking for more tasty bits to gobble up once your t(of)urkey is gone, go stick your fork into the 107th Carnival of Satire over at The Skwib. A spoonful of satire makes the holiday angst go down! (Especially when taken with a Wild Turkey chaser.)
The Castle of the Pink Dragon
We’ve headed down to the in-laws for Thanksgiving. We drove down last night, after a crazy-busy hectic day. We arrived around midnight, and Phoebe was up well past 1:00. She was so excited to be down at the grandparents, though, that she woke up around 7:00. And with her new crib-free status, she was up and out of bed and in our room by 7:30. I was completely wiped out. Phoebe, on the other hand, was ready to play.
One of the perks of visiting Grammy and Grandpa’s house is that she gets to play with the castle. The castle is a Fisher Price Little People toy set that John played with when he was little. Some of the pieces are a little worse for wear (the poor horses have each lost a hoof or two), but it still makes for some great playing.
And because by it’s now after 11:00, and I have a list to prepare for tomorrow, I’ll leave you with these pictures.
collecting tokens 