Category: humor

Would you could you?

green_eggs.jpgHappy Seuss Day!

Today was Dr. Seuss’s birthday. Last year, I celebrated the day with a list of a few things Seussy. This year I’ll offer up a small serving of green eggs and ham for your enjoyment.

  • Jesse Jackson’s inspired reading of Green Eggs and Ham. (Sorry about the poor video quality. It’s what I could find.)

  • Weird Al’s video of Green Eggs and Ham. (To fully appreciate it, you might want to check out U2’s “Numb” video.)
  • Also, be sure to check out this brilliant post from Books Are Pretty, which discusses this “grim tale of stalking and harassment…”

The Golden Pants Award

golden_pants.jpgJon Stewart: …and the award for the Most Distinguished Pants Blog, the coveted Golden Pants Award, goes to alejna of collecting tokens. [cue cheesy music]

alejna: [choking back the tears] I can’t believe what an honor this is for me. It seems like just yesterday that I first tried on pants blogging. Now with 31 pants posts under my belt, I feel that I’ve come far in the world of pants blogging. But I know that there are many more important issues of pants that need to be laid bare. I will continue to strive to dress them…I mean address them in the dignified manner which they so richly deserve.

I would like to thank the Academy of Pants. I’d of course like to thank my mother, who put me in my first pair of pants. I’d like to thank all my friends and family members who encouraged me in the pursuit of pants, with the occasional kick in the pants. Thanks to those who brought pants crises and pants celebrations to my attention. And thanks, above all, to my various pairs of pants, which were always there to cover my ass in times of need.

—–

This week’s Monday Mission, which I chose to accept in part because I have many other things which I should be doing and this seemed like more fun, was to write a post in the form of an acceptance speech. I’d also like to extend my thanks to Painted Maypole, for the specific inspiration for this post. When she wrote her pants entry for last week’s Mission, I told her I felt like I’d been awarded the Golden Pants Award. It seems only fitting that I should have my acceptance speech ready.

giving a rat’s ass for Valentine’s Day

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My suggestion in last week’s rat-themed post (well, my first of several rat-themed posts) that we might like to see a line of greeting cards that make use of the expression “give a rat’s ass” was well received. Therefore, John and I collaborated to bring you these fine greeting cards. (Concept and design by alejna, photo by John, modelling by Phoebe and an Ikea rat.) Feel free to share them with anyone you give a rat’s ass about.

For those of you who would like to express your fondness beyond the Valentine’s holiday season, we have the more general Rat’s Ass version for you:
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the Ikea Rat Launcher

40588_pe134275_s4.jpgFrom time to time, I have been known to do a product review. (Some of you may remember my review of the iPhone, and the followup discussion of the Apple iCup.) I’ve been wanting to share this product for a while, but thought it would be good to wait for the Year of the the Rat celebrations to kick in. So, here it is: a review and demo of the Ikea Rat Launcher.
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The Ikea Rat Launcher

This colorful and inexpensive device can launch an Ikea stuffed rat several feet up into the air, way up over a toddler’s head, resulting in a flying rat and a giggling toddler. (Individual results may vary.) Below are some images from our extensive testing of this product in late October of last year.

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For the full demonstration, you can watch this video.¹

This ingenious product also doubles as a storage device: rats can be collected and placed in the launcher for later launching. An attractive reptilian cover keeps the rats from escaping.
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Warning: this product is not recommended for toddler storage.

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While the Launcher appears large enough to accomodate a toddler, attempts at toddler storage may result in the following:²

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¹ Sorry it’s a bit long, at 2:42, but I was too amused by Phoebe’s belly laughter and backwards toddling to cut any of it out.

² This one’s only 15 seconds. You know you want to watch it.

no damn cat, no damn hat

So I sat on my ass
All this cold dreary day
And I said “How I wish
I had more time to play.”

No time to write posts
That are well thought-out rants,
No time to write lists
about movies with pants.

So I all I can do is to
Bitch,
        whine
                and moan
And each time the phone rings
Shout “leave me alone!”

No damn cat came in wanting
To show me his “things”
But the living room’s trashed
And the bathtub’s got rings

Glued to the keyboard
With deadlines a-loomy
The house is a mess
And my mood is all gloomy.

I should do my work now
While the clocks say it’s lating
But this is a fun way
Of procrastinating.

——
I couldn’t resist this week’s Monday Mission, which asked for a post in the style of a children’s book or poem.

I’m dreaming of a pants Christmas

Yesterday, I was most pleased to be able to share with you all a bit of holiday cheer in the form of a Christmas pants song. Which leads me to think there could be far more holiday pants songs. On top of that, this week’s Monday Mission asks for posts in the form of Christmas lists. And I thought to myself, “I should make a list.” So, here I offer you a very Merry Christmas Pants Playlist. Pull up your festive pants and enjoy!
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Pants Holiday Playlist

  1. Deck the Pants
  2. Pants We Have Heard On High
  3. God Pants Ye Merry, Gentlemen
  4. Hark the Herald Angels’ Pants
  5. O Little Pants of Bethlehem
  6. I Heard The Pants On Christmas Day
  7. Jingle Pants
  8. The Little Drummer Pants
  9. O Pants, All Ye Faithful
  10. Silent Pants
  11. O Holy Pants
  12. The Twelve Pants Of Christmas
  13. Pants to the World
  14. Pants Yourself A Merry Little Christmas
  15. Ding Dong Merrily on Pants

the magic of Santa’s pants

‘Tis the season to be jolly. To deck the halls, hang the mistletoe, and face angry mobs at the mall while trying to find the right gift for Aunt Margaret that she’ll probably return or regift anyhow. But in all the hustle and the bustle of holiday preparations, let’s not forget about the important things. Like family. And friends. And pants.

I offer to you the Scottish Falsetto Sock Puppet Theater‘s memorable song, Santa’s Pants.

Thanks to raincoaster for spreading the love of pants, and the love of socks.

I am not an accountant

Sometimes I forget to tell myself that. I’ve never been an accountant. Nor have I ever planned to be one. (Not that there’s anything wrong with accounting. I can see the appeal of putting things in order.) But this lack of accountancy in my life is usually not at the forefront of my mind.

Day after day I can go about my non-accounting-related business without once thinking, “hey, I’m not an accountant.”

But just a few days ago, I became truly aware of this. “I’m not in accounting!” I loudly proclaimed. And I realized how true a statement that was. And I have Blogger to thank for this epiphany.

You see, Blogger has made some changes to their comment forms. Now, instead of being able to type in my name and the URL for this blog when I leave a comment, I must choose between logging in with my Blogger ID, using a “nickname” (Should I have a nickname? What about Snake?), or being anonymous. So I’ve been using my Blogger ID more often lately. And on a whim, I decided to check out my minimalist Blogger profile. After all, someone might follow the link from a comment I leave here or there. (Well, not here. But there.) And imagine my surprise when I saw that my profile said I was in the field of accounting.

I quickly went to edit my profile, and select “not specified” for my field, since, shockingly, “linguistics” was not listed on the drop-down menu. When viewing the profile next, I was relieved to see that I was no longer masquerading as a grad student of accounting. But then I thought to myself, “maybe I should say a bit more about myself.” So I added a bit of stuff. And saved my profile. And lo and behold, I was once more in accounting. I went back in, changed the field. Saved the profile. All was well. But, oh crap, there was a typo in my link. Fixed it. Saved. Dammit, there was the frickin’ “accounting” thing again.

“I am not an accountant!” I cried. I felt I needed to affirm this. It’s been good to have this reminder.

I have a lot of trouble defining my identity. When asked for a description, I tend to give a list: student, wife, mother, friend, blah, blah, blah. It varies how many items I put on that list. But I have never once in my life listed “accountant” as an identity.

Of course, I have never listed “not an accountant,” either. And this opens up a whole realm of possible identities. I am also not a butcher, baker, candlestick maker, chiropractor, dancer, mime, mugger, jogger, juggler, or provost. The possibilities are staggering. But for now, at least, I can just remind myself that indeed, I am not an accountant.

lightbulb jokes

Yes, I admit it. I got a bit burnt out in the blogging business. 40 posts in 30 days is too, too much. And I have far too many blogs in my feedreader. And I’m busy with work. And busy with life. And I’m just really tired. I need to go to sleep.

So, even though I have a bunch of posts in progress, and owe some stories based on that done/not done checklist, I’m just going to post a couple more jokes. Many of our last round of jokes featured the theme of “walking into a bar.” (Thank you for all those contributions, folks.) Here I give the other perennial favorite, the lightbulb joke.

These two lightbulb jokes are my favorites, and I’ll give you a bonus story. I first heard them while on a boat going down the Amazon, sitting around on hammocks. On Thanksgiving day, no less. That would have been in 1991. There were other jokes, and plenty of other tales from that trip, but here are two jokes that I can share quickly. (And yes, I realize that they are pretty similar.):
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    Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
    A: Two, but they have to be pretty small mice.

    Q: How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
    A: Two, but how do you get them in there?

Please share your lightbulb jokes with me. Pretty please?