Category: lists

12 reasons why I won’t be giving Mark Rayner’s new novel to my mother-in-law for Christmas

The cover of a book I will not be giving to my mother-in-law.
Mark Rayner’s new novel, Marvellous Hairy, has gotten some great reviews, and some marvellously entertaining press. It’s been published just in time for the major gift-giving holidays. The paperback comes in an attractive compact format, and it also comes in an economical ebook version. You would think this would make it an excellent gift.

In spite of this, I will most definitely NOT be giving a copy of this book to my mother-in-law. Here are the main reasons why:

The 12 Main Reasons I won’t be giving Marvellous Hairy to my mother-in-law:

  1. The novel contains “adult” language.
  2. The book uses colorful descriptive language, and I mean beyond describing a room as having been painted “belligerently pink.”
  3. I’m talking about sentences like the following:

    He had long greasy black hair that clung to his head like an octopus humping his skull, and then fell onto his his shoulders in oily post-coital exhaustion.

  4. The book has sex in it.
  5. The book has sex and monkeys in it.
  6. My mother-in-law would be fairly scandalized by something that induced me to compose a sentence including both the words “sex” and “monkeys.”
  7. My mother-in-law has probably never spent any significant amount of time contemplating what it would be like to grow a tail.
  8. It is extremely unlikely that the phrase “Release the monkeys!” would make her giggle.
  9. She wouldn’t know what to make of a playful romp of a novel that is described as “part literary fun-ride, part fabulist satire, and part slapstick comedy.”
  10. Especially one that has been called “deeply, unsettlingly weird.”
  11. She certainly would not take well to the suggestion that she get in touch with her “inner monkey.”
  12. She would probably much prefer some lavender-scented hand soap.


Disclosure: Since I’m a big fan of The Skwib, Mark Rayner’s humor blog, I was all set to buy a copy of this book. (Though not for my mother-in-law.) It was already in my Amazon shopping cart and everything. But then Mark offered to send me a copy. (For FREE! Sucker!) How could I resist? (The monkeys made me do it.)


(Monkey images from wpclipart.)

rockin’ rolls: bread hits of classic rock

And my brother’s back at home
With his Bagels and his Scones
We never got it off on the Cornbread stuff
What a drag, too many crumbs

               David Breadbowl
               – All the Yeast Dudes

Boulanger Records announces Rockin’ Rolls: A Collection of Classic Rock Bread Hits. This two-disc set promises to be the best thing since sliced bread.*

Disc 1 –

    Creedence Crumpet Revival – Fortunate Scone
    Rusk – Frybread by Night
    Fleetwood Matzo – Dough Your Own Way
    Iggy Poptarts – Crust for Life
    The Doughs – Challah, I Love You
    Deep Pumpernickel – Toast on the Water
    Croissant, Stills, Lavash & Young – Teach your Ciabatta
    The Bagels – You’ve Got to Hide Your Loaf Away
    Steve Muffin Band – Take the Honey Bun
    Pink Flatbread – Dark Side of the Croissant
    Croutons Trio – Where has all the Flour Gone?

Disc 2 –

    Pita Frampton – Baby I love Your Grain
    Blood Sweat & Tortillas – You Bake Me So Very Happy
    Blue Oyster Crackers – (Don’t Fear) the Sourdough
    Nick Cave and the Bad Seedbuns – Into My Oven
    Americrust – I Knead You
    Lof Zeppelin – Stairway to Leaven
    Grateful Bread – Uncle John’s Baguette
    Rye Toast Speedwagon – Kaiser Roll with the Changes
    Chapati Smith Band – Biscuit the Night
    Challah and Oatbread – Naaneater
    The Rolling Scones – Sympathy for the Bagel

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*I wonder if I need to start having warning labels on my posts: This post contains extremely high levels of puns, wordplay and other silliness. Proceed at your own risk.

the swine flew

“Thinking again?” the Duchess asked, with another dig of her sharp little chin.
“I’ve a right to think,” said Alice sharply, for she was beginning to feel a little worried.
“Just about as much right,” said the Duchess, “as pigs have to fly….”
— Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland, Chapter 9.

Everyone knows that pigs can’t fly.

Except, of course, when they do. And fly they do, in all sorts of lore and literature, song and show, and even in a few airborne vessels. This ThThTh list is hog-wild for the swine of the skies.

A list of flying pigs

  • when pigs fly: an expression by which a speaker can convey the opinion that a given event will never happen. As in “this blog will be awarded a Pulitzer when pigs fly.”
  • when pigs grow wings: an expression that means “when pigs fly”
  • Pigs Have Wings, by P.G. Wodehouse. A book by the author of the Jeeves and Wooster series.
  • Flying Pig: a character on Kids in the Hall, portrayed by Bruce McCulluch. He is a winged pig who flies and “entertains people at bank-machines and other of life’s many lineups.” (See him in flight on YouTube.)

    flying pig kith

  • Pigasus: various references to winged pigs. The name plays on Pegasus (a winged horse)
  • Cincinnati: this city has adopted a winged pig as a mascot. The city has a Flying Pig Marathon.
    • pb125575
    A flying pig mug I bought at the Cincinatti airport.
  • references to flying pigs are used in many different business such as restaurants and art galleries . I’ve bought bread adorned with a winged pig from a bakery called When Pigs Fly. There’s evenFlying Pig Eyewear.

    • logo 111 flyingpig f

  • winged pigs have become so ubiquitous as to be commonly used for decoration, such as adorning weathervanes
  • “Pigs on the Wing”, a song by Pink Floyd
  • The first recorded pig flight took place in England in 1909. (source)

    The first historically recorded flight of a pig took place on British soil, at Leysdown in Kent in 1909. The pig was carried aloft by J.T.C. Moore-Brabazon, later the First Lord Brabazon of Tara, in his personal French-built Voisin aero plane.

    The pig was placed into a wicker basket, which was in turn strapped to a wing strut of the aero plane. A hand-lettered sign attached to the basket read: ‘I am the first pig to fly.’ Brabazon purposefully carried the pig aloft, thereby disproving the long help opinion that ‘pigs can not fly.’

  • More recently another flying pig made the news after a flight on a commercial airline

    • piscrew pigs in spaceship

  • Pigs in Space: these pigs from the Muppet Show have mastered not just flight, but space flight.

  • ad astra per alia porci: Steinbeck’s motto “To the stars on the wings of a pig” (found via the blog On Pig’s Wings, taking its name “from Steinbeck, whose motto, described his status as a ‘lumbering soul but trying to fly.'” )
  • Can’t get enough flying pigs? Lots more about them can be found at Porkopolis, a website devoted to all things porcine. Be sure to check posts in the category “flight,” and the informative post A Brief History of Pigs and Flight. Flying pigs have their own Wiki page, too.

remember, remember

four lobes of the cerebral cortexIt’s the 5th of November. Which makes me remember some things about remembering.

I’m fascinated by memory, and clearly I’m not alone, judging from the large number of movies, stories, songs and such that feature themes of memory. Or loss of memory. Here’s a ThThTh list of some things I can remember:

    Some memory-related things that come to mind

  • The poem about Guy Fawkes day:

    Remember, remember the fifth of November,
    The gunpowder treason and plot,
    I know of no reason
    Why the gunpowder treason
    Should ever be forgot.

  • remember the Alamo!
  • mnemonic devices: phrases, poems or other sayings used to aid the memory for specific facts, such as:
    • Roy G. Biv (red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet: the order of colors in the rainbow)
    • homes (Huron, Ontario, Michigan, Erie, and Superior: i.e. the Great Lakes)

    (more mnemonic devices here)

    • string on finger

  • string tied around a finger: if you need to remember something, you can tie a string around your finger as a reminder that there was something you were supposed to remember. This relies on you being able to remember what it was that you hoped to remember.
  • souvenir: a keepsake or memento, typically from a visit to a place to which one has travelled. From the French verb souvenir, “to remember”
  • memento: an object kept to remember a time, place or event. From the latin remember:

    L. memento “remember,” imperative of meminisse “to remember,” a reduplicated form, related to mens “mind.” Meaning “reminder, warning” is from 1582; sense of “keepsake” is first recorded 1768. (from etymology online)

  • Memento (2000): a movie about a man who loses his ability to form new memories.
  • The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004): a movie in which people can undergo a process of selective memory erasure.
  • Chester Tate: A character on the 70s TV show Soap who spends several episodes with amnesia.
  • “Tabula Rasa,” a Buffy episode: A spell gone awry causes the main characters to forget who they are. Hilarity ensues. (Seriously, it’s a really fun, funny episode.)
  • “The Forget me Knot,” an episode of The Avengers in which Emma Peel forgets who she is. (This was Diana Rigg’s last episode on the series.)
  • “Forget Me Not,” an amnesia episode of Gilligan’s Island (Okay, I didn’t actually remember this one, guessed that there was an amnesia episode.)
  • For that matter, there are probably plenty of episodes from sci-fi shows like those in the Star Trek and Star Gate universes.
  • The Long Kiss Goodnight (1996): Geena Davis plays an amnesiac ex-spy
  • The Bourne Identity (2002): Matt Damon plays an amnesiac ex-spy
  • Who am I?/Wo shi shei (1998): Jackie Chan plays an amnesiac spy.
  • Total Recall (1990) Arnold Schwarzenegger plays a spy whose memories were re-written
  • lots more movies and shows with a memory (or loss of memory) theme can be found here:
  • “I Don’t Remember,” a song by Peter Gabriel

    I don’t remember, I don’t recall
    I got no memory of anything at all

  • “I can’t forget,” a song by Leonard Cohen. I can’t forget, but I don’t remember what.
  • “Only a Memory,” a song by the Smithereens
  • The Persistence of Memory: famous Salvador Dalí painting with melting watches
  • memory: a card game also known by the name “concentration”
  • memory: a computer component for storing data

    • ddr ram

  • Remember when Chris Farley interviewed people? Remember how he interviewed Paul McCartney? That was awesome.

    Chris Farley: You remember when you were with the Beatles?
    Paul McCartney: Yes.
    Chris Farley: That was awesome.

the sound of music in my pants

    My pants are alive
    with the sound of music…    ¹

While my pants were off galavanting about Spain, without an iPod in my pocket, the lovely and talented Rima tagged my pants for a meme. A pants meme.

The ensuing weeks of painstaking research (thankfully not pantstaining research), and the reunion of my iPod and my pants, have resulted in the following playlist of pants:

  1. Photographic in my pants–(Depeche Mode. Seriously old school Depeche Mode.)
  2. Shiawase (Happiness) in my pants– Puffy AmiYumi
  3. Anchor in my pants–Trespassers William
  4. Under the Milky Way in my pants–The Church
  5. Crash in my pants–The Primitives
  6. Chains of Love in my pants–Erasure
  7. Trampoline in my pants–Calamine
  8. Pilgrimage in my pants–Nine Inch Nails
  9. Nutshell in my pants–Alice in Chains
  10. Bizare Love Triangle in my pants–New Order
  11. Pianos and Clocks in my pants–Aztec Camera
  12. Protection in my pants–Massive Attack
  13. The Ramblings of a Mad Man in my Pants–FSOL
  14. Welcome to the Fold in my pants–Filter
  15. Overflow in my pants–O Positive
  16. Radio Silence in my pants–Thomas Dolby
  17. The Postcard in my pants–Boris Grebenshikov
  18. Island in the Sun in my pants–Weezer
  19. Bamboleo in my pants–Gipsy Kings
  20. Psychobabble in my pants–Frou Frou
  21. Rockville in my pants–R.E.M.

And now I’m going to go all crazy with the tagging. I tag the pants of the last 10 blog-bearing people who left comments on my blog. (For those of you who left comments and don’t have blogs, why don’t you have blogs??) I’m also going to tag my friend jenny, just because I like to see what’s on her iPod.²

  1. Painted Maypole
  2. antropologa
  3. magpie
  4. Madame Meow
  5. Mary G
  6. Kyla
  7. Holly
  8. girlgriot
  9. azahar
  10. bon
  11. jenny

If you want to join in, the game is played thusly: set your iPod to shuffle, and make a note of the songs that come up. Append the phrase “in my pants.” As many songs as you choose. If you have no iPod, come up with a list of songs of your choosing. If you have no pants, you may want to append instead the phrase “without pants.” Or you can write a 500-word essay discussing your current state of pantslessness.

———

¹ Note that the post title song is not on my iPod. But the song, along with “Do a Deer in my pants,” has been stuck in my head. Perhaps I’ll leave it to your imagination what has been stuck in my pants.

² And because I wanted to go all the way up to 11.³

³ Because otherwise I wouldn’t have a good segue to mention going through airport security with a cucumber in my pants.⁴

⁴ Well, not my pants.

9 nine things for 9/9/9

Oh, number nine, you are so fine.

Today is September 9th, 2009. The ninth day of the ninth month of the year. Or 09/09/09.

So, I really don’t have time to be posting this. I’m going absolutely bonkers getting the posters together for the conference. But 9 is my favorite number, and having posted 7 movies on 7/7/7 and 8 things on 8/8/8 it bothers me not to put up my 9s. Plus I’ve actually had scraps of this post drafted for 2 years. So, let’s see if I can spare a few minutes (9 perhaps?) to get this post up.

A list of 9 things:

  1. Revolution #9: A song by the Beatles “number nine…number nine”
  2. “9 times.” A quote from Ferris Bueller. Refers to the number of time Ferris was absent from school.
  3. nine circles: Hell has them. Not actually sure much about it, and I don’t have time to look. Something to do with Dante. Anyone want to enlighten me?
  4. The Ninth Gate (1999): A thriller starring Johnny Depp.
  5. nine lives: it’s said that cats have nine lives, perhaps because they seem to be able to survive rather extraodinary predicaments.
  6. The word for “nine” in French is also a word for new. , 9 = neuf = new.
  7. dressed to the nines: an expression meaning “really dressed up.”
  8. cloud nine: a good place to be. When I finish these posters for the conference, I will be on cloud nine.
  9. And one of the coolest things about the number 9 has to do with math. Have you ever noticed that the digits of any multiple of 9 add up to 9, or to another multiple of 9, the digits of which also will then add up to 9?
    For example:
    9 x 3 = 27 and 2 + 7 = 9
    9 x 5 = 45 and 4 +5 = 9
    9 x 273892 = 2465028 and 2 + 4 + 6 + 5 + 0 + 2 + 8 = 27 (and 2 + 7 = 9)

    How cool is that?

For more than 9 other things about 9, the 9 wiki page is dressed to the nines.

Now I’d best get back to my work before it’s too late. A stitch in time, and all that.

pulling some strings

Emily of Wheels on the Bus sent out an unusual plea, having recently gone to see Puppetolio, an LA-area puppet theater that is closing its doors this weekend unless they manage to…um…pull a few strings:

If you know anyone who lives in L.A., anyone in the media, anyone who loves puppets, anyone who reads blogs, anyone who cares about the arts, then you know someone who will find this of interest and might be able to help.

I’m not around L.A., but I do care about the arts, and children’s entertainment, and I hate to see such a time-honored tradition dying out. So, if you can, go see what Emily has to say. And if you can, pull a few strings to help out the puppeteer in his plight.

But first, I’m putting on ashow of my own with this ThThTh¹ list o’ puppets.

  • Punch and Judy: traditional English puppet theatre, typically performed in a booth-type stage.
  • Pinocchio: a famous wooden puppet of fiction and film who comes to life.

    • punch-bw-puppet

  • Muppets: a range of mostly cloth and plush puppets, originally created by Jim Henson.
  • puppet: an expression for a person or entity whose actions are covertly dictated by some other person or entity. Political figures are sometimes disparagingly called puppets.

    • the_godfather

  • The Godfather: The poster for the 1972 movie shows a hand holding the string controls for a marionette, alluding to the “puppet master” status of a mafia boss
  • “The Lonely Goatherd”: A scene from The Sound of Music (1965) in which an elaborate puppet show is performed
  • “Puppet Man”: A song performed (separately http://www.songfacts.com/detail.php?id=12771 ) in the early 1970s by The 5th Dimension Tom Jones. Here’s the Tom Jones version:

    Baby, Baby, I’m your sweet pet
    I’m just your personal marionette
    Wind me up and let me go
    Don’t you know I’m a one man show?
    Raise your finger and I’ll perform
    I’ll crack a jack till’ the crack a dawn
    If you wanna see me do my thing, baby pull my string

  • “Puppets”: a song by Depeche Mode from their first album, Speak and Spell. (YouTube vid)

    And I don’t think you understand
    What I’m trying to say
    I’ll be your operator baby
    I’m in control

  • The Scottish Falsetto Sock Puppet Theatre: What can I say? They are sock puppets. Who sing in falsetto voices. With Scottish accents. Watch their latest video, “Back in E.D.I.N. BRAW“:
  • Lamb Chop: a sheep sock puppet operated by comedian Shari Lewis.
  • Bob from the TV show Soap.
    A ventriloquist’s dummy operated by Chuck, but a character in his own right. (Watch a scene with Bob here)
  • Mr. Hat: Mr. Garrison’s puppet from the show South Park
  • “The Puppet Show“: an episode from Buffy the Vampire Slayer involving a ventriloquist’s dummy.
  • Puppetmaster (1989) A horror movie with puppets that come to life.
  • Being John Malkovich (1999) John Cusack plays a puppeteer, and puppeteering features prominently in the plot. The movie also boasts a gigantic Emily Dickinson marionette.

——-

¹ It’s been a while since I put up my last Themed Things Thursday² post. (Has it really not been since April? Craziness. I’ve drafted probably a good dozen or so lists, but haven’t quite gotten any together and ready to post.)

² Yes, I know it’s Friday. Don’t quibble with me. I’m tired.

Image sources: Godfather poster, Punch puppet, Pinnochio from Ginn and Company The Common School Catalogue (Boston: Ginn & Company Publishers, 1906) 40 via etc and puppet show from Harper’s New Monthly Magazine (New York: Harper and Brothers Publshers, 1871) XLII:831 via etc.

Channel V

Dee of On The Curb has posted a playlist of some of her favorite “vagina music,” with her post entitled exceeding my bandwith on the word vagina.¹ (You should go check out Dee’s blog, by the way. In case you haven’t guessed it, she’s freakin’ hilarious.)

Dee doesn’t quite give a definition of “vagina music,” but she gives quite a few examples. If I had to summarize, I’d say that the songs are ones that move her down to her…um…core, and tap into her emotions. And perhaps also those that remind her that she is biologically female.

Further, Dee has requested comparable lists from others. In her words, “I show you mine, you show me yours.”

Okay, Dee. I’ll show you mine. While I’ve never thought of this music in quite those terms², this is my response playlist:

  1. Save Me – Aimee Mann (listen)
  2. Thief – Belly (listen)
  3. Lucky – Bif Naked (listen)
  4. Bulimic Beats – Catatonia (listen)
  5. No Need To Argue – The Cranberries (listen)
  6. Virgin State Of Mind – K’s Choice (listen)
  7. Autumngirlsoup – Kirsty MacColl (listen)
  8. Your Ghost – Kristin Hersh (listen)
  9. Famous Blue Raincoat – Leonard Cohen (listen)
  10. De Cara A La Pared – Lhasa (listen)
  11. Wild Is The Wind – Nina Simone (listen)
  12. Down By The Water – P J Harvey (listen)
  13. Dancing Barefoot – Patti Smith Group (listen)
  14. Haunted – Poe (listen)
  15. Glory Box – Portishead (listen)
  16. Possession– Sarah McLachlan (listen)
  17. i am stretched on your grave – Sinéad O’Connor (listen)
  18. Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me – The Smiths (listen)
  19. Anchor – Trespassers William (listen)

How about you. Wanna show me yours?

—–

¹ Dee is not shy about using the word vagina. In fact, in her post, she uses the word vagina no fewer than 38 times. (Yes, I counted. One vagina, two vagina, three vagina, four. Five vagina, six vagina, seven vagina, more…) And that, my friends, is a most impressive feat.

² The thing is, though, I’m not a big fan of the word vagina. In fact, this post here marks the first time I’m using the word on my blog. (Yes, I did a search.) Also the 2nd through 15th times. (Yes, I counted.) Don’t get me wrong. I have nothing against vaginas. Or vaginae, if you prefer. I’m glad I have one of my own, and all. I just find the word vagina awkward.

Now spleen, on the other hand, there’s a word I like. Spleen. It’s a word that amuses me. I also appreciate its range of meanings. Some of you may know the spleen as an organ in the lymphatic system. But it was once esteemed as “the seat of spirit and courage or of such emotions as mirth, ill humor, melancholy, etc.” Me, I’m all about the mirth, the ill humor and the melancholy. Then there’s the whole archaic meaning of splenetic to mean “melancholy.” And my playlist is pretty darned melancholy.

So maybe you can consider this my spleen music.

12 Classics of Pants Theater

We at the Pants Institute are dedicated to education of the public on the many contributions that Pants have made to our culture and society. In our previous monographs, we have been pleased to share with you in-depth discussions of great works of Classic Pants Literature as well as more popular media, such as critical analyses of the genre of Pants Horror Cinema. Our next installation of this ongoing series of Great Seriousness and Importance delves into the pants classics of the stage:

    Pants of a Salesman
    A middle-aged man discovers that his pants are both terribly unflattering and decades out of fashion.

    Waiting for Pants
    A story of time wasted away in the laundromat when the dryer cycle is unbearably slow.

    Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Wear Pants
    Two men hang out at the laundromat playing quarters while waiting for Hamlet to finish his laundry.

    Pants on a Hot Tin Roof
    When a family’s dryer is broken, they consider laying their laundry out on the roof to dry.

    A Raisin in the Pants
    A legal drama about the status of a raisin left in a pocket on laundry day.

    Who’s Afraid of Virginia’s Pants?
    An inebriated couple exchange verbal barbs as they sort through their dirty laundry.

    The Importance of Wearing Pants
    Two young men practice deception by frequently changing their pants.

    Oedipus Pants
    The story of a man’s unholy love for his mother’s pants.

    Barefoot in the Pants
    A newlywed couple find how hard it is to put on pants when you are already wearing shoes.

    A Doll’s Pants
    A marriage falls apart when a woman discovers what a small pants size her husband really wears.

    The Pants of Dorian Gray
    A young man’s pants increasingly show the stains of his escapades.

    The Pants Menagerie
    The story of a blogger who writes obsessively about pants.

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Thanks to Painted Maypole, thespian and pantsblogger extraordinaire, whose recent flurry of pants posts has given me the much needed kick in the pants to get back to pantsblogging. Thanks also to John, who suggested the addition of Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Wear Pants.