Running along with my bridge theme, I present to you “Under the Bridge.” This is the “literal video version” of the Red Hot Chili Peppers song. If you’re not familiar with it you must watch. You must. It cracks me up.
Category: humor
greeting cards for the digital age
Birthdays and weddings. Condolences. Friendship. Any gift shop or supermarket can offer up plenty of cards for plenty of occasions. But in this digital age, the world is serving up more and more occasions for which the greeting card market has yet to be tapped.
- Mazel tov!
Wishing you all the joy of your new blog! - Smile ;)
You’re being cyber-stalked! - You are invited!
To waste away your time on Facebook. - I can’t keep my hands off you!
Thank you for being my iPhone. - Achoo!
Your YouTube video’s gone viral, and that’s nothing to sneeze at! - My heart beats for your tweets!
I’ll follow you anywhere. - You’re one in 257! (And counting.)
I’m so glad you’re my “friend.” - Thinking of you in your time of loss.
Hard drive failure sucks. Wishing you speedy data recovery. - Happy job hunting!
Sorry to hear that you’ve been dooced. - Congratulations!
You’ve reached your 200th Facebook Friend. - Bon voyage!
Wishing you many hours of escape with your new Wii. - Happy Bloggiversary!
u can haz cayk!
This post has been brought to you on the occasion of the Monday Mission. For more greeting cards to stuff in your envelope, go visit Painted Maypole.
I’ve never been happier to retire a piece of clothing
“Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.”
George W. Bush, August 5, 2004
In less than 12 hours, an article of clothing in our household will become instantly outmoded.
I’m talking about you, little “I already know more than the president” onesie. Yes, Phoebe wore you proudly, back when she was small enough. And sure, you would still fit Theo, size-wise. But your message, so sadly and humorously apt for far too long, will no longer be appropriate. And that deserves a celebration of extraordinary magnitude.
To send off this once-stylish article of clothing in style, I thought I’d post a few pictures from a photo shoot it had with Phoebe, back in 2006.
Photographer: Hi, Phoebe.
Phoebe: Oh, hi.
Photographer: Hey, Phoebe, what’s that you’re wearing?
Phoebe: You mean this?
Photographer: You look fabulous, dahling. Now, strike a pose.
Photographer: Work it baby, work it. Now show me the pout.
Photographer: Oh, yeah, baby. Yeah.
Phoebe: Can we stop this now? I’d like my lunch.
Photographer: Okay, okay. But first, tell me. Will you be happy to see a new president in office?
Phoebe: You know it!
Photographer: Oh, yeah. Anything you’d like to say to the President as he takes his leave?
Phoebe: Buh-bye.
Phoebe: And don’t let the door hit you on the a…
Photographer: Phoebe!
—
This post is also doing double duty as a Monday Mission post. The assignment for this week was to post a series of photos with accompanying dialog, inspired by such posts from Wherever Ewe Go.
—
And by the way, anyone have any suggestions about what to do with this onesie?
real estate ads get personal
Looking to find that special someone? It turns out that so is the house next door.
Coming soon to a classified ad section near you: the personals meet the real estate listings.
Easy living: fully furnished apartment looking for someone to get their hands in my drawers, unpack my chest, and jump right into my bed.
Open living space: Contemporary 3-bedroom home looking for a ménage-à-trois.
Airy A-Frame: Ideal for someone who likes to play around down below, without being bothered that there’s not much going on upstairs.
Cozy space: Cramped studio with no kitchen looking for individual with few belongings who enjoys long walks on the beach and eating out.
Eclectic bungalow: Colorful and heavily accessorized home looking for someone to seek hidden treasures. The carpet doesn’t match the drapes, but may be willing to strip down to genuine hardwood floor.
Cheap rent: Flat looking for relationship with a tolerant and supportive individual willing to overlook minor structural damage, occasional leaky faucets, and baggage left over from previous occupants.
Modest cottage: Frigid home seeks like-minded individual who is willing to bundle up in lots of clothing and keep your hands off my thermostat.
Penthouse Wannabe: Upper story apartment with mind in the basement desires occupants willing to make up some good stories.
Scenic views: fishbowl-style street-level apartment with large windows and no blinds seeks exhibitionist looking to entertain neighbors.
Well built: Attractive home with impressive plumbing looking for like residents who enjoy lots of hot and steamy showers.
Closet lovers dream: Cosmopolitan metropolitan loft apartment with comfortable walk-in closets looking to be shared by a pair of “roommates.” Spacious living area is ideal for a party for when you are ready come out of the closet.
Vacation rental: Seeking short-term fun with no risk of commitment.
——
This post was inspired by this week’s Monday Mission, which sought a meaningful relationship with posts “in the style of a sales pitch for your house, from the point of view of your house.” My house didn’t have a lot to say, it turns out. But it would appear that a few other homes did.
Dear Santa
Dear Santa,
How are you this year? I hope this holiday season finds you well. I know it can be a stressful time of year, especially when you have a lot of people to shop for, and elves to supervise. I’ve heard how those reindeer can get out of hand, too.
Anyhow, as you probably guessed, I’m writing to ask you for what I want for Christmas.
I really have enough stuff, thanks, so I don’t need any trinkets or doodads. I’ve got more books than I have time to read, more DVDs than I have time to watch, more cooking equipment than I have time to use. We have far too much stuff.
So, please, no more stuff.
Actually, what I’d love would be for you to take away some stuff. So, when you come to our house, please arrive with your big bag empty. It might be helpful if you come when your sleigh has been unloaded, too. I mean, we have so much stuff it might take more than one trip. Is there any chance you could also rent a van? You might want to bring a few of the elves along, too.
I’m hoping you can leave us with the things that we really use, and those items that have true sentimental value. You’re supposed to know these things, right? I mean, you know if I’ve been bad or good, so for goodness sake, you must know which pants are too tight. Not to mention that I haven’t worn that pair of shoes in about 5 years or that I have never once used the double boiler.
I also trust that you can find good homes for all our excess stuff, so it can be put to good use, or at least recycled.
Gratefully yours,
Alejna
p.s. While you and the deer are up on the roof, would you mind giving a good scare to the squirrels that have found their way into the attic? Or perhaps you could offer them a ride on your sleigh. A one-way trip, if you know what I mean.
—-
This was brought to you by this week’s Monday Mission, which called for a post in the form of a letter to Santa. Hosted by Painted Maypole (who is usually quite nice, but is on occasion naughty).
It’s a Wonderful Knife
Watching The Nutcracker is a long-time favorite Christmastime utensil tradition in many homes. But did you know that there are plenty of other excellent holiday specials and movies about utensils?
Lesser-known Holiday Utensil Shows
The Evil Spell Check: A Cautionary Tail
Once upon a time, in the kingdom of a Giant Bookstore, an events Calendar would grace the cash registers and bulletin boards of the store each month, listing book signings and readings and happy occasions.
One day, a hapless customer stumbled across something startling in the upcoming events: a signing scheduled with one of the authors who contributed to an anthology of Inspirational Writings for the Children of the Kingdom. The book was lauded in the Calendar Scroll as a “copulation of stories for children…”
For it so happened that the writer of this Events Calendar had been caught unawares by the perils of the Spell Check. Under this evil Spell, an innocent Typo was turned into something much more sinister and inappropriate. Having likely typed copilation in place of compilation, the Spell was recast, transforming the innocent word into copulation.
This caused great embarrassment in the land, and caused many a tree to be felled for the Improprer Calendars to be re-scribed.
—-
The difference of a character or two in the title of story can mightily change the character of the story. In that spirit, I offer you this copulation of children’s stories and rhymes. Many of which may not be suitable for children.
A Copulation of Children’s Stories and Rhymes
Table of Contents
-
I. Poplar Stories:
- Goodnight Moron
- The Very Hung Caterpillar
- Bicurious George
- The Runway Bunny
- Frog and Toad are Fiends
- Charlotte’s Weed
- Hairy, the Dirty Dong
- Mike Mulligan and his Steamy Shover
- The Cat in the Heat
- Mary’s Poppin’
- Clifford the Big Rude Dog
- The Wine in the Willows
- Lite Women
- Where the Reefer Grows
- Harpy Pooter
- The Wonderful Wizard of Ooze
- Marty Had a Little Lamp
- Hickory Dickory Dick
- Humpy Dumpy
- Little Ho Peep
- Little Miss Muff
- Poop Goes the Weasel
- The Farmer in the Deli
- Do You Know the Muff Man?
- Wee Willy’s Winkie
- Little Jack Horny
- Peter Peter Pumpin’ Beater
- Snot White and Roe Red
- The Little Math Girl
- Goldilocks on the Three Bears
- The Princess and the Pee
- Jack and the Beatstalk
- Puss in Boobs
- The Twelve Panting Princesses
- Little Red Riding Ho
- Snow White and the Shaven Dwarfs
- Beauty and the Breast
- The Three Little Prigs
II. Nunnery Rhymes:
III. Classic Fairy Tails:
——
This week’s Monday Mission was to write a post in the form of a children’s story or poem. (Yes, I realize it’s Tuesday today. This is hardly the only thing I’m running late for.)
This typo really did happen back when I worked in the bookstore, and it still makes me giggle these many years later. (I can do that, because I wasn’t among those who wrote or proofread the calendar in question.) I’d been wanting to share this list and story for a while, so this seemed a good occasion to do so.
Silly Men Walking
Rejoice! There is now a Monty Python channel on YouTube (warning: a video will start playing when you click that link), where you can find a host of Python clips. Okay, so you could find the clips on YouTube before, but they were all unauthorized:
For 3 years you YouTubers have been ripping us off, taking tens of thousands of our videos and putting them on YouTube. Now the tables are turned. It’s time for us to take matters into our own hands.
So now you can watch The Ministry of Silly Walks as Python intended:
In related news, today I also learned of this terribly Silly Short Movie involving Men Walking at The Skwib. Steve Sullivan’s brilliant “A Heap of Trouble” features men walking down the road singing: “…nine naked men just walking down the road…”
Intrigued? You can watch it yourself: “A Heap of Trouble.’
As Mark so eloquently warns:
“Warning: Not Safe for Work if your co-workers are uncomfortable with brief shots of sausage and/or Welsh singing.”
To read more about this short (where most of the men aren’t even wearing shorts), go visit The Skwib.
80s Pants Party!
80s Pants Party! Volume 1:
Put on your party pants and prepare yourself to party to the max with this totally awesome New Wave Pants-o-rama party!
Tracks:
- Tainted Pants 3:52
- Goody Two Pants 3:12
- West End Pants 4:01
- She Blinded Me With Pants 3:25
- Pants in a Northern Town 2:56
- Under the Milky Pants 3:33
- Everybody Wants to Pants the World 4:59
- Don’t You Forget About Pants 2:45
- We Got the Pants 2:47
- Don’t Stand So Close to Pants 3:03
- Hungry like the Pants 3:23
- Lay Your Pants on Me 2:57
- Pretty in Pants 3:25
- Girls Just Want to Have Pants 3:03
Bonus Track:
- Safety Pants (extended pants remix) 7:52
This production was brought to you by:
• Painted Maypole and the Monday Missions! (supporting CD liner note style since 1984)
• My Big Sister and the News of 80s Pants Revival!
• The word Pants!
Sales from this album will benefit the American Pants Society, The United Charter for Pants, and Pants Across America.
Look for More 80s Pants Party Music in Stores Soon!
collecting tokens 