Category: Monday Missions

greeting cards for the digital age

welcome_baby_blogBirthdays and weddings. Condolences. Friendship. Any gift shop or supermarket can offer up plenty of cards for plenty of occasions. But in this digital age, the world is serving up more and more occasions for which the greeting card market has yet to be tapped.

  • Mazel tov!
    Wishing you all the joy of your new blog!
  • Smile ;)
    You’re being cyber-stalked!
  • You are invited!
    To waste away your time on Facebook.
  • I can’t keep my hands off you!
    Thank you for being my iPhone.
  • Achoo!
    Your YouTube video’s gone viral, and that’s nothing to sneeze at!
  • My heart beats for your tweets!
    I’ll follow you anywhere.
  • You’re one in 257! (And counting.)
    I’m so glad you’re my “friend.”
  • Thinking of you in your time of loss.
    Hard drive failure sucks. Wishing you speedy data recovery.
  • Happy job hunting!
    Sorry to hear that you’ve been dooced.
  • Congratulations!
    You’ve reached your 200th Facebook Friend.
  • Bon voyage!
    Wishing you many hours of escape with your new Wii.
  • Happy Bloggiversary!
    u can haz cayk!

feed_me

This post has been brought to you on the occasion of the Monday Mission. For more greeting cards to stuff in your envelope, go visit Painted Maypole.

picking myself up

Dear diary,

Another day has gone by, and I’ve been overlooked yet again.

When she grabbed for me a couple of days ago, I nearly burst at the seams from excitement. But then I nearly burst at the seams when she tried me on. I guess I don’t quite fit the way I used to. Maybe I shrank in the wash. She just tossed me aside, half-way inside out. I felt so exposed.

My mother used to say “you’ll be put on one leg at a time just like everybody else.” But I always thought I could do better than that. These days, I’d settle for just being worn on one leg. Or at least to be folded up in a drawer with some dignity.

Some days, I wish I could just pick myself up off the floor.

—

So the Monday Mission for this week was to write a post in the style of a diary entry.

I used to keep journals. I wrote really often when I was 17 through 20. I still have all those books, lined up on a bookshelf next to my bed. I don’t really look at them, and certainly never read them. I largely forget their existence. But for the assignment I thought “wouldn’t it be funny to post a real journal entry?” So I went and had a look last night. I picked up a few of the journals, and flipped through them, looking for something entertaining. I tell you, I am slightly scarred from the experience. At 17, I was insecure about my looks and my self-worth, wasting time and energy dieting and suffering from unrequited affections. And I took myself way, way too seriously.

I can say that, without doubt, I like myself much more than I did back then. I wouldn’t go back for anything. I’ll take 37 over 17 any day.

I’ve never been happier to retire a piece of clothing

“Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.”
George W. Bush, August 5, 2004

In less than 12 hours, an article of clothing in our household will become instantly outmoded.

I’m talking about you, little “I already know more than the president” onesie. Yes, Phoebe wore you proudly, back when she was small enough. And sure, you would still fit Theo, size-wise. But your message, so sadly and humorously apt for far too long, will no longer be appropriate. And that deserves a celebration of extraordinary magnitude.

To send off this once-stylish article of clothing in style, I thought I’d post a few pictures from a photo shoot it had with Phoebe, back in 2006.

Photographer: Hi, Phoebe.
Phoebe: Oh, hi.
img_2105

Photographer: Hey, Phoebe, what’s that you’re wearing?
Phoebe: You mean this?

img_2106

Photographer: You look fabulous, dahling. Now, strike a pose.

img_2108

Photographer: Work it baby, work it. Now show me the pout.

img_2109

Photographer: Oh, yeah, baby. Yeah.
Phoebe: Can we stop this now? I’d like my lunch.
Photographer: Okay, okay. But first, tell me. Will you be happy to see a new president in office?
img_2101

Phoebe: You know it!
Photographer: Oh, yeah. Anything you’d like to say to the President as he takes his leave?
img_2111
Phoebe: Buh-bye.

img_2103
Phoebe: And don’t let the door hit you on the a…
Photographer: Phoebe!

—

This post is also doing double duty as a Monday Mission post. The assignment for this week was to post a series of photos with accompanying dialog, inspired by such posts from Wherever Ewe Go.

—

And by the way, anyone have any suggestions about what to do with this onesie?

real estate ads get personal

Looking to find that special someone? It turns out that so is the house next door.

Coming soon to a classified ad section near you: the personals meet the real estate listings.

Easy living: fully furnished apartment looking for someone to get their hands in my drawers, unpack my chest, and jump right into my bed.

Open living space: Contemporary 3-bedroom home looking for a ménage-à-trois.

Airy A-Frame: Ideal for someone who likes to play around down below, without being bothered that there’s not much going on upstairs.

Cozy space: Cramped studio with no kitchen looking for individual with few belongings who enjoys long walks on the beach and eating out.

Eclectic bungalow: Colorful and heavily accessorized home looking for someone to seek hidden treasures. The carpet doesn’t match the drapes, but may be willing to strip down to genuine hardwood floor.

Cheap rent: Flat looking for relationship with a tolerant and supportive individual willing to overlook minor structural damage, occasional leaky faucets, and baggage left over from previous occupants.

Modest cottage: Frigid home seeks like-minded individual who is willing to bundle up in lots of clothing and keep your hands off my thermostat.

Penthouse Wannabe: Upper story apartment with mind in the basement desires occupants willing to make up some good stories.

Scenic views: fishbowl-style street-level apartment with large windows and no blinds seeks exhibitionist looking to entertain neighbors.

Well built: Attractive home with impressive plumbing looking for like residents who enjoy lots of hot and steamy showers.

Closet lovers dream: Cosmopolitan metropolitan loft apartment with comfortable walk-in closets looking to be shared by a pair of “roommates.” Spacious living area is ideal for a party for when you are ready come out of the closet.

Vacation rental: Seeking short-term fun with no risk of commitment.

——

This post was inspired by this week’s Monday Mission, which sought a meaningful relationship with posts “in the style of a sales pitch for your house, from the point of view of your house.” My house didn’t have a lot to say, it turns out. But it would appear that a few other homes did.

Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

How are you this year? I hope this holiday season finds you well. I know it can be a stressful time of year, especially when you have a lot of people to shop for, and elves to supervise. I’ve heard how those reindeer can get out of hand, too.

Anyhow, as you probably guessed, I’m writing to ask you for what I want for Christmas.

I really have enough stuff, thanks, so I don’t need any trinkets or doodads. I’ve got more books than I have time to read, more DVDs than I have time to watch, more cooking equipment than I have time to use. We have far too much stuff.

So, please, no more stuff.

Actually, what I’d love would be for you to take away some stuff. So, when you come to our house, please arrive with your big bag empty. It might be helpful if you come when your sleigh has been unloaded, too. I mean, we have so much stuff it might take more than one trip. Is there any chance you could also rent a van? You might want to bring a few of the elves along, too.

I’m hoping you can leave us with the things that we really use, and those items that have true sentimental value. You’re supposed to know these things, right? I mean, you know if I’ve been bad or good, so for goodness sake, you must know which pants are too tight. Not to mention that I haven’t worn that pair of shoes in about 5 years or that I have never once used the double boiler.

I also trust that you can find good homes for all our excess stuff, so it can be put to good use, or at least recycled.

Gratefully yours,

Alejna

p.s. While you and the deer are up on the roof, would you mind giving a good scare to the squirrels that have found their way into the attic? Or perhaps you could offer them a ride on your sleigh. A one-way trip, if you know what I mean.

—-
This was brought to you by this week’s Monday Mission, which called for a post in the form of a letter to Santa. Hosted by Painted Maypole (who is usually quite nice, but is on occasion naughty).

80s Pants Party!

pants_party1

80s Pants Party! Volume 1:
Put on your party pants and prepare yourself to party to the max with this totally awesome New Wave Pants-o-rama party!
Tracks:

  1. Tainted Pants 3:52
  2. Goody Two Pants 3:12
  3. West End Pants 4:01
  4. She Blinded Me With Pants 3:25
  5. Pants in a Northern Town 2:56
  6. Under the Milky Pants 3:33
  7. Everybody Wants to Pants the World 4:59
  8. Don’t You Forget About Pants 2:45
  9. We Got the Pants 2:47
  10. Don’t Stand So Close to Pants 3:03
  11. Hungry like the Pants 3:23
  12. Lay Your Pants on Me 2:57
  13. Pretty in Pants 3:25
  14. Girls Just Want to Have Pants 3:03

Bonus Track:

  • Safety Pants (extended pants remix) 7:52

This production was brought to you by:
• Painted Maypole and the Monday Missions! (supporting CD liner note style since 1984)
• My Big Sister and the News of 80s Pants Revival!
• The word Pants!

Sales from this album will benefit the American Pants Society, The United Charter for Pants, and Pants Across America.

Look for More 80s Pants Party Music in Stores Soon!

You may have already won!

To: United States of America
Northern Hemisphere, Planet Earth
#3 Solar System Way

From: President’s Clearing House, Awards Division

Dear Occupant,

CONGRATULATIONS!! You are a winner! You may have ALREADY WON these fabulous VALUABLE PRIZES:

* Front-row TICKETS to a history-changing event!
* The keys to a SHINY NEW optimism!
* A SPACIOUS and expansive outlook!
* Restored dignity and respect from EXCITING destinations around the globe!

In addition, you may soon qualify for GRAND PRIZES including:
* Improved access to health care and education for you and your family and many more!
* Exciting new alternative energy resources!
* Diminution of poverty!
* Diplomacy!
* And much, much MORE!

In order to CASH IN on these amazing prizes, you must ACT NOW, or the opportunity will pass you by. In order to redeem yourselves, you must continue the momentum for change.

Sincerely,
The Awards Division

Disclaimer: You need not subscribe to this idealism in order to benefit.

———-

This post was brought to you by this week’s Monday Mission, hosted by Painted Maypole, which offers FABULOUS PRIZES for posts written in the style of a “congratulations, you’ve just won” letter.

Seriously, though, this election has had me so excited that I feel like I’ve won the lottery. I have been alternately giddy and moved to tears. At the same time, I know that Obama’s election is a step in the right direction, not the final destination. (A breathtakingly huge step, mind you.) I am eager to see what’s going to happen. And I want to figure out what I can do to help bring about the changes that I believe are possible.

10 Classics of Pants Horror Cinema

Just when you thought you were safe from my pants, they come back at you with a vengeance! Hold on to your pants, as Pants Cinema presents these 10 Classic Horror Movies.

  1. Night of the Living Pants
    A group of people seek refuge in a farmhouse after radiation from a fallen satellite causes their pants to come to life.
  2. The Pants of Frankenstein
    After stitching him together from corpses and bring him to life, Dr. Frankenstein struggles to clothe his monstrous creation.
  3. Island of Lost Pants
    A shipwrecked man finds himself on an island inhabited by a madman who performs bizarre experiments on pants that were believed lost at the laundromat.
  4. Invasion of the Pants Snatchers
    A small-town doctor learns that the pants of his community are being replaced by ill-fitting alien duplicate pants.
  5. Rosemary’s Pants
    A young couple moves into an apartment only to be troubled by the appearance of a pair of pants that neither of them purchased.
  6. Children of the Pants
    Children in rural Nebraska are incited by a creepy young preacher to steal the pants from every adult in the town.
  7. The Amityville Pants
    A family purchases a selection of second-hand pants, only to be haunted by the discovery that the pants were worn by people with really bad taste.
  8. The Invisible Pants
    A mad scientist finds a way of making things invisible, but since he’s insane, the only things he cloaks with invisibility are his pants.
  9. Pants Sematary
    A couple is horrified to discover that pants fashions discarded in recent decades come back to haunt them, hideously altered.
  10. Dawn of the Pants
    Zombies rise from the dead and drive a small group of survivors to seek refuge in a secluded shopping mall, where they find great bargains on pants.

——-

This monstrosity of a post can be attributed to radiation emitted from this week’s Monday Mission, hosted by Painted Maypole, which causes innoncent-looking posts to take the form of a horror movie plot summary. Or in this case, 10 of them.

election news in the Republic of Pants

Election day in the Democratic Republic of Pants is rapidly approaching, and excitement is growing over the race between the two major candidates, Trousers McPants and Corduroy O’Bloomer.

Speeches by both candidates have been striking some cords with large sections of the Pants Republic, leaving many pants feeling divided over the issues.

McPants has long suggested that the opposition pants are cut more for style than substance, and of a fashion that has not been worn long enough to stand the test of time. Recently, the McPants campaign has appeared at times to attempt to stain the very fabric of O’Bloomer’s character, bringing up associations with outfits that are considered inappropriate for the pair of pants that will cover the biggest seat of the Pants government. O’Bloomer’s campaign has responded that such threadbare associations are not material to the election.

At a rally last week, McPants promised that he would “beat the pants off” O’Bloomer, an off the cuff remark that led to outcries from the O’Bloomer camp. In response, supporters of O’Bloomer have suggested that Trousers McPants is not only cut of the same cloth as the incumbent, Jodpur Britches, but even getting to be frayed around the edges.

It appears that more and more prominent Pants Republic citizens are coming out of the closet to declare their belief that O’Bloomer is overall the stronger pair of pants, leaving some McPants supporters feeling that they’ve been hung out to dry. Among O’Bloomer supporters, the feeling is strong that if McPants wins the election, the population of the Pants Republic will be taken to the cleaners.

After the recent economic downturn, with recession looming and fears that the Pants economy is coming apart at the seams, citizens of the Pants Republic are eager to learn how the candidates will address the issues. As the Pants treasury does not have infinitely deep pockets, many wonder if the Pants government will need to tighten its belt.

Come hell or highwaters, one pair of pants will be chosen in the coming weeks. And right now, it looks like the Republic is ready to change its pants.

——

This post was written for this week’s Monday Mission, hosted by Painted Maypole, which solicits posts in the style of campaign coverage.