Two guys walk into a bar. One guy says to the other, “You didn’t see it either?”
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This is in response to Maggie’s post of her favorite one sentence joke. My favorite has 2 sentences. Or 3 clauses.
Category: humor
getting down to business (even though it’s not Wednesday)
This was a favorite video of my friend’s. I think I mentioned that she had a great sense of humor.
Here’s “Business Time,” by Flight of the Conchords.
And here’s a romantic bonus video:
The Call of the Pants
Because the world needs more things with pants, and because I promised to write more posts with pants, I bring you pants. Following the success of the great moments of pants cinema, and in the tradition of the legendary Star Wars pants list, I bring to you a list of literary pants classics.
Great Works of Classic Pants Literature.
A story of politics, pants, and politicians’ pants.
Even pants don’t last forever.
Laundry lost, laundry found.
A tale told by an idiot. Signifying pants.
They were worn, they were washed. It’s a short tale.
About a man who did not know how to travel light.
A whimsical, magical pants tale
Tales of pilgrimages and pants.
Justice. Vengence. Pants.
The heartwarming saga of sisters and pants.
A young girl and her companions embark on a quest for pants.
Two men share a pair of pants. It’s not pretty.
That just can’t be comfortable.
Discover the mysteries that lie deep within the pants.
This story may not be suitable for children under age 13.
New Life Form Discovered in Eastern United States
Biologists the world over are expressing cautious excitement over reports of the discovery of a new species of animal life that was discovered last Friday.
Reports were received of a number of small furry creatures residing in the refrigerator of a Massachusetts family’s home. Animal control officers on the scene then reported the hitherto unidentified animals to the scientific community.
The Chenopodiaceae Beta Fuzzae, or Fuzzae Beet as it has been nicknamed, appears to thrive in the dark, chilly ecosystem of the vegetable drawer, and requires only as much light as is offered by the little lightbulb that goes on when the refrigerator door is opened. It resembles a common beet root in appearance, but with a coat of downy fur, and is believed to be part vegetable and part mammal. It was observed roaming among the piles of arugula and turnip greens, and exhibited signs of rudimentary intelligence. “One of them looked right at me, and I was sure it was going to start speaking,” said Bob Loobsteele of Animal Control, who was first to arrive on the scene.
A family of the Fuzzae Beets have been extracted from the rest of the colony their natural habitat, in order that their behavior may be studied under more controlled conditions.
The implications of this discovery are far-reaching. “With so many other species being threatened by climate change, it is heartening to find that new life is evolving,” says Dr. Frank Murgentroober, head of the Springfield University Department of Paranormal Vegetable Phenomena. “We think it’s only a matter of time before more life forms are found lingering in the depths of neglected vegetable drawers, or even emerging from pizza boxes left under the bed in college dorm rooms.”
Dr. Wilma P. Snodgrass of Large Urban University, however, is a dissenting voice among the excited scientific community. “We think this may well turn out to be a hoax, or the twisted delusions of someone who has far too many vegetables on their hands.”
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This improbable report is brought to you hot off the presses of this week’s Monday Mission, which solicited posts in the style of a news article.
Is the glass half empty, or half full?
You are probably familiar with the age-old question, usually intended to determine whether you are the type to see things in a positive or negative light. The traditional answers are “half empty” (you are are a pessimist) or “half full” (you are an optimist). However, I find these traditional interpretations a bit too simplistic for the complexity of personality types and moods that individuals exhibit. Or that I exhibit on a given day. So I offer to you…
Alternative Answers to the Question
“Is the Glass Half Empty or Half Full?”
- Probably.
- Who drank half my drink?
- The glass is half full. But what is all that crud floating around in there?
- The glass is half full of ice so they can rip you off when you buy a soda.
- I think it was half full, but I spilled it. On your couch.
- I’ll take mine straight from the bottle.
- That’s no glass, that’s a sippy cup.
- Are you trying to poison me?
- The glass is cracked.
- There is no glass.
Phoebe Lenore, abstract expressionist
Untitled
Phoebe Lenore, 2007
White fingerpaint on red construction paper
The art world is being taken by storm by the latest works of Phoebe Lenore, a young artist who has left an indelible mark on the hearts of her public, as well as on the walls of her living room.
The artist follows in the footsteps of the abstract expressionists, and her bold and spontaneous works have been compared to those of such venerable greats as Franz Kline and Robert Motherwell.
When asked about her inspiration for her most recent work of art, the artist replied simply “moo.” It is left up to us to decide whether she was referring to the moon, or to the cows which live nearby her Massachusetts home. This ambiguity is characteristic of both the artist’s subject matter, and her conversational style. The viewer (or listener) is asked to interpret possible meanings, and is invited to respond based on intuition, emotion and past experience.
While the artist is new to the medium of paint, she has long been experimenting in other media. Her earliest works included avant-garde three-dimensional works in sweet potato and pureed petits pois, large installations of toys and found objects, as well as rawly emotional performance art pieces. The works for which she is best known are undoubtedly those in a somewhat more traditional medium: the drawings in her series of Crayola on newsprint. This series expresses the gauntlet of human emotions, from the joy of seeing doggies, to the angst of approaching naptime. Her choice of color and line are often vivid and playful, reflecting an almost childlike naïveté. Other drawings reflect a starkness revealing the artist’s capacity for solitary introspection and her metaphysical musings.
Above: Selections of Phoebe Lenore’s famed series of crayon on newsprint drawings.
Below: The artist has branched out, experimenting with the Crayola medium on a three-dimensional wood surface.
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This post is being displayed as part of this week’s Monday Mission, an exhibit of art critques of up-and-coming young artists.
Who’s with me?
Because I am certifiable, I have signed on to NaBloPoMo. Don’t worry, it’s not a cult. (At least I don’t think so.¹) November is National Blog Posting Month. It involves commitment to posting every day for the whole month. That’s 30 days in a row.
The NaBloPoMo website lets members² make groups. To hang out. Like in cliques, I guess. Lots of people have started regional-based groups, like New England Bloggers³, Tennessee Bloggers, or Blogs from Europe.
Many others have created groups reflecting special interests. And perhaps some are especially interesting. Such as bikers, or brides or pregnant bloggers. Or pregant biker bride bloggers. Or knitters. Or (judging by their limited enrollment⁴ so far) even more specialized special interests, including Bichon bloggers and Kevin Spacey Bloggers.
I found myself with an urge to join a bunch of groups. Just because. And what’s more, I had the urge to start my own group: The Ministry of Silly Blogs:
Our chief functions are threefold: a) to identify silliness on the web, b) to create silliness on the web, c) to promote silliness on the web and 4) to encourage the promotion, creation and identification of silliness on the web.
And while filling out the form to start the group, I noticed a box to fill in an existing website for the group. “Damn,” I thought. “The Ministry of Silly Blogs deserves a website.”
So I made one. With some Official Ministry Bling, even.
And 3 other people have already signed on to be part of the Minsitry of Silly Blogs. 3 people who are total strangers even. (And quite possibly, 3 people who are totally strange.)
So, anyone else out there care to join me? Either at the Ministry, or just with NaBloPoMo in general?
I also have in mind a number of other groups, which I may or may not decide to officially form:
- Pants Bloggers: For bloggers who write about pants, like to say the word pants, and/or who wear pants while blogging
- Homo Sapiens Bloggers: For bipedal primate bloggers who consider their brains more highly developed than your average baboon
- Genji Bloggers: for bloggers who like to write about having read the 11th century novel The Tale of Genji, by Murasaki Shikibu, often known as the first novel ever written.
- Linguistics Grad Student Bloggers with 20-month-olds Named Phoebe and Who Like to Write Lists and Make Stuff Up: For bloggers who are named alejna
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¹ I followed Magpie over there. But how well do I really know her?
² Why is that I get uncomfortable with that word?…members…Sounds a bit like card-carrying members. Or perhaps cult followers…
³ Well, “Bloggahs,” which I joined in spite of my non-native tendency towards rhoticity.
⁴ N=1.
cereal: it’s what’s for dinner
Menu
Alejna’s Busy Day Bistro
Appetizers
Corn on the Couch
A paper bag filled with freshly popped kernels of corn. Skillfully microwaved, and usually not burned. Available with butter-like flavor or “natural” flavoring. Served on the sofa.
Lowering the Bar
A protein bar, grabbed out of cabinet. Eaten while driving to catch the train, or while otherwise multi-tasking. Hasty unwrapping leads to bits of chocolatey coating to be found stuck to clothing, providing a treat for later.
Entrées
Early Bird’s Special K
A bowl of cereal, eaten at the kitchen table.
Life is a Bowl of Cheerios
A bowl of cereal, eaten while standing in the kitchen.
Variety of Life
A bowl of cereal, regular or cinnamon flavored, eaten while sitting on the kitchen floor.
Multi-grain Pillows
A bowl of cereal, eaten while slouched on the sofa cushions.
Chef’s Gourmet Specials Tired
Cheddar Broccoli Pot Pie
Tender broccoli, carrots and potatoes in a rich, savory cheese sauce baked in a hearty whole wheat crust. Baked Fresh Daily.Purchased from grocery store, removed from freezer. Box opened, pie microwaved on high for 5 minutes.
Harvest Medley
Portobello mushrooms, sundried tomatoes and fresh asparagus in a garlic cream sauce a box of crackers served on a bed of house-made linguini, and garnished with micro arugula.
Napoleon de Goober
Alternating layers of sliced bread, ground peanut spread, and orchard fruit preserves. Cut in half and served with a fresh fruit garnish.
Desserts
October’s Bounty
A bag of miniature chocolate bars, purchased in advance for Halloween, hidden carefully at the back of the cabinets behind the dried beans. Eaten 1 or 2 3 or 4 at a time throughout the day, bag replaced in hiding place. Repeated until bag is empty.
Frozen Guilt
Pint of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream. Half-cup serving size presented in bowl, and served at dining room table. Once this is finished, the rest of the pint is eaten directly out of the container while sitting on the couch.
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This week’s Monday Mission placed orders for posts written in the form of a menu. Please note that I don’t always eat this way. But, well, there are days when the farm-fresh vegetables stay in the refrigerator.
you just didn’t get it, dude
Yesterday’s Monday Mission, a project calling for posts in the form of a rejection letter, which I found to be a somewhat challenging mission. It’s not that I’m unfamiliar with rejection letters, mind you. It’s just that I couldn’t decide where to go with it. I explored multiple options. I posted the pirate one, but I also wrote another one. And not wanting to be wasteful, I’ll post it today.
Ms. Alejna, dude,
It’s a total bummer, but I gotta tell you. You didn’t get the job, man. It sucks, I know.
Your resume was, like, the awesomest. And you totally rocked the interview. We were all like, “woah, she knows her shit.”
But then there was this other dude. Or dudette, really, like yourself. And she rocked the interview even harder. Her quals weren’t as good, and for a while, we were all like, “can she even do the job?”
But then we went out for a beer, and we flipped a coin. And it was tails. Ouch, man.
It sucks to be you. And it sucks for me that I gotta be the one to tell you. Mr. Wilcox pulled a rock when I was sure he’d be all about paper, freakin’ paper pusher. And so I got stuck with it. Whatever.
Yeah, well, right. Ya know. It sucks, and all that. But if it makes you feel better, this place kinda blows sometimes.
Later,
William R. Bartholomew, III
Vice President, or Something Like That
Acme Stuff, Incorporated
collecting tokens 