unable to offer you a position at this time

Dear Mr. Rackham,

I regret to inform you that we are unable to offer you a position as nanny in our home at this time. While we truly appreciated your time and efforts in coming to the interview, we feel that there is not a good match between you and our family.

Both little Emma and Neil were greatly intrigued by your colorful anecdotes. When Neil admired your stylish eyepatch, it was very considerate of you to take it off to let him wear it. The empty eye socket greatly impressed both children. However, I’m sorry to report that both children have been visited by frequent nightmares since the interview.

In addition, their teachers have sent home notes expressing concern that both children have been using increased amounts of inappropriate language at school. Neil was reported to have asked the lunchlady, “what’s crawled out of th’ bung hole, me hearty wench?” while Emma allegedly made another first grader walk the plank during gym class. When queried about this, Neil simply responded “Arrrr!”, and Emma scowled and waved what appeared to be a cutlass at me in a menacing way. (If this item was a gift from you, I must stress that this is far too generousa gift for such a small girl.)

You clearly have some strong ideas about discipline, and Mr. Smith and I appreciated all of your advice. However, we feel that corporal punishment, especially using the cat-o’ nine tails, is somewhat too harsh to use with children under the age of 7. There is also the matter of personal hygiene. We had hoped that our nanny would work with us to foster a reverence for cleanliness and neatness. However, both children have been quite taken with your statement that “washin’ more than twice a year be fer lily-livered scalliwags.”

While we had only expected that you would stay for the 45 minute inteview that we find typical, it showed great initiative that you were intent on moving in with us at that time, and remarkable perserverance that you chose to camp out in our yard upon hearing that we were not yet ready to make a decision about the position. We must ask, though, that you please consider departing as soon as you can pack your trunk and retrieve your parrot.

We wish you success in your search for employment.

Sincerely,
Mrs. Jane Smith

p.s. Enclosed please find the names and address of a family on the far side of town who may be in need of a nanny.

———

This post is offered up as part of this week’s Monday Mission, which asked for posts in the from of a rejection letter. It can also be considered a follow-up post to last week’s submission of a resume.

On the topic of rejection letters, though, you should really check out this one, which is the funniest rejection letter I’ve seen.

how to talk like a pirate

Well, it’s finally arrrived. Today, September 19th, is Talk Like a Pirate Day. You’ve gotten yourself a pirate name, and brushed up on your pirate job skills. But are you still unclear on how best to talk like a pirate? Have no fearrrr.

There arrre many avenues to explore in learrrning how to talk like a pirate. An important resource is the “how to” page of the official Talk Like a Pirate Day website. There you can learrrn the basics (the 5 “A”s), more advanced pirate terminology (don’t confuse your hornpipe with your bunghole), and even advance all the way up to pick-up lines like this one:

How’d you like to scrape the barnacles off of me rudder?

In case you don’t have time for such intensive language study, you may find one of several translators handy, like this one or this other one. This one acts as more of a phrase book, and allows you to produce such eloquent discourses as this:

Ahoy, me proud beauty! Be that th’ market? I’ve a fierce fire in m belly t’ have a bit of a lie-down’

Of course, it’s also important to work on your arrr, long considered to be one of the hallmarrrks of pirate speech. (If you’d like to learn the history of this phenomenon, The Language Log discussed this a couple of yearrrs ago.)

Here’s what you do to say “arr”:

Step one: Say “ah”. (Your vowel may vary by dialect; [ɒ], [a] and [ɑ] are probably all legitimate.) You’ll probably want to put in a glottal stop at the start [ʔ].
Step two: Quickly lower your third formant to produce the [ɹ] sound. This can be accomplished by curling the tongue back (retroflex “r”) or by bunching your tongue up (bunched-tongue “r”)

Now, if you want to say “arrr” like a pirate, the instructions above are just a starting point. To produce the piratical “arrr” tha we’ve come to expect. (Cf. Geoffrey Rush saying “arrr” in Pirates of the Caribbean), you really need to growl it. And for me, at least, this seems to possibly involve some pharyngeal frication, and possibly also some additional voice quality modifications. I’m not sure what I’m doing (not really just creakiness or breathiness), but it sure as hell isn’t modal phonation. A really effective arrr will also be quite loud: push the air strongly through those vocal folds, dammit. On top of all of this, you’ve got to really drag it out, especially the [ɹ] part. (Keep that 3rd formant down.) Arrrrr!!!!!

In an experimental study, subjects (N=2) produced both “normal” and piratical arrrs. Piratical arrrs were between 2 and 3 times the duration of “normal” arrrrs. See figures 1 and 2, below.

Figure 1: Arrrr! vs. ar, speaker A (male)

Figure 2: Arrrr! vs. ar, speaker B (female)

And in case you don’t have occasion to speak out loud today, you might try some pirate-style typing.

RRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!

Shiver me timbers! Give me a job! Arrrr.

Dirty John Rackham
jrackham@arrrrr.com

OBJECTIVE

To contribute to your organization’s success through the use of exceptional customer service, managerial, and plundering skills. Or to find a position as a nanny. Arrrr.

QUALIFICATIONS

Hard-working, tough-skinned swash-buckling individual with questionable personal hygiene
Exceptional versatility, adaptability and swaggering
Solid managerial, administrative and looting experience
Ability to manage multiple tasks in a pressured environment.

PROFESSIONAL SKILLS
Interpersonal and Managerial skills

Interacted with and kidnapped a wide variety of personalities while pillaging, plundering, and wreaking havoc.
Delivered excellent customer service and conducted in-house plundering promotions
Proved multi-tasking abilities by scheduling and supervising crew of scurvy dogs, bilge rats and lily livered scalliwags
Served as right hand to notorious Bloody Captain Roberts (whose original right hand was lost to gangrene)

Administrative skills

Completed, submitted and burned edges of invoices and maps for buried treasure.
Fondled large sums of loot and booty.
Maintained rum inventory control.
Looted petty cash, payroll, inventory, accounts receivable and payable.
Said “Arrrrr!” a lot. (Mayhaps that be an interpersonal skill.)

EMPLOYMENT HISTORY

Sailin’ the seas since I were a young lad and had all me teeth.

EDUCATION

I learnt things th’ hard way. I got th’ scars t’ prove it, ye landlubber. Arrrr.

——

This post can be blamed on a confluence of unrelated events: the Monday Mission, which asks this week for a post in the form of a resume, and the approach of Talk Like a Pirate Day (which is coming up on Wednesday, September 19.) This resume is very loosely based on a sample resume. Actually, quite a lot of lines from the resume worked pretty well from that verbatim. Arrrr.

You want the pants? You can’t handle the pants.

Well, maybe you can handle the pants. In fact, I’ve promised pants. And I’ve given pants. And I think that you deserve more pants.

In the great tradition of the pants game, I offer to you the following great movie pants movie moments:

“Go ahead, make my pants.” — Harry Callahan (Clint Eastwood), Sudden Impact (1983)
“You can’t handle the pants!” — Col. Nathan Jessep (Jack Nicholson), A Few Good Men (1992)
“May the Pants be with you.” — Han Solo (Harrison Ford), Star Wars (1977)
“Fasten your pants. It’s going to be a bumpy night.” — Margo Channing (Bette Davis), All About Eve (1950)
“The stuff that pants are made of.” — Sam Spade (Humphrey Bogart), The Maltese Falcon (1941)
“Show me the pants!” — Rod Tidwell (Cuba Gooding Jr.) and Jerry Maguire (Tom Cruise), Jerry Maguire (1996)
“I have always depended on the pants of strangers.” — Blanche Dubois (Vivien Leigh), A Streetcar Named Desire (1951)
“Round up the usual pants.” — Capt. Louis Renault (Claude Rains), Casablanca (1942)
“Pants? We ain’t got no pants! We don’t need no pants! I don’t have to show you any stinking pants!” — “Gold Hat” (Alfonso Bedoya), The Treasure of the Sierra Madre (1948)
“Oh, Jerry, don’t let’s ask for the moon. We have the pants.” — Charlotte Vale (Bette Davis), Now, Voyager (1942)
“Keep your friends close, but your pants closer.” — Michael Corleone (Al Pacino), The Godfather: Part II (1974)
“Get your stinking pants off me, you damned dirty ape.” — George Taylor (Charlton Heston), Planet of the Apes (1968)
“We’ll always have pants.” — Rick Blaine (Humphrey Bogart), Casablanca (1942)

procrastinator’s horoscope for today…or tomorrow

The Procrastinator’s Horoscope, September 10, 2007:
For today or tomorrow. Or maybe some time later this week.

Aries (March 21-April 19): That deadline is fast approaching, so you’d best get cracking. That project absolutely needs to be done by Friday, and you have a lot of work left to do. Wait, Friday? That’s days away! I mean, practically a week. You can afford to spend a little bit of time online before you dig in. Surf’s up!

Taurus (April 20-May 20): It’s about time you wrote the email you’ve been putting off writing. It’s a sensitive matter, so make sure to choose your words carefully. Stare at your computer screen. Type “Dear Bob.” Wait, does “dear” sound to personal, or maybe too formal? Better delete that and start over. Type “Hey Bob!” No, that’s too informal. Delete that. Hey, look, you got an email! Your buddy sent you a link to a really funny YouTube video. Man, YouTube is cool. I wonder how many videos are up there that have “Bob” in their title?

Gemini (May 21-June 21): Before you get started on your day’s tasks, check on your blog, if you have one. How’s traffic on that last post? Any new comments? Any interesting search terms? How about now? Ok, that’s enough. Let’s get to work. But wait, any new comments now? What about now? Now? If you don’t have a blog, today would be a good day to start one. Maybe two.

Cancer (June 22-July 22): It’s time to pay bills again. Get yourself organized. You’ll need the checkbook, a pen, and some stamps. Oh, and the bills. Where are those bills? Oh, right. Under the pile of catalogs. Hey, what’s new at L.L. Bean, by the way? Didn’t you need to look for some gloves? Ooo, and look at that sweater on page 17.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): The day is already half gone, and you’ve barely even thought about the work you need to do. You must need some coffee. Go get some coffee right now. Go for a walk, even. You know, get that blood pumping. You can absolutely start working after you’ve had a quick walk and some coffee. And maybe a nap. Walks can zap the energy right out of you.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Your kitchen is a mess, and you have relatives coming over tomorrow. It’s time to scrub the floor, clear off the counters, clean out the furry things from the fridge, and tackle that huge pile of dishes. But have no fears, cleaning can be fun with the right tunes. Maybe you should put together a cool playlist on iTunes. You might need to add to your collection a bit to get just the right mix, too.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23): It’s about time you got around to sorting through that pile of boxes in the basement or closet. Start by restacking the boxes neatly. Doesn’t stacking boxes remind you of Tetris? I bet you can find Tetris online these days.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21): If you don’t do laundry today, you won’t have any clean socks to wear tomorrow. Gather up your dirty clothes, and sort through them. That’s a cool shirt. Didn’t you want to get another one like that in another color? You’d better go buy one now before they run out. You can buy socks for tomorrow, too, while you’re at it.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Today is the day to start being more productive. Absolutely today. The first step is to make that decision. See? That wasn’t so bad, was it? The next step is to get yourself savvy about the ways of the uber-productive, by reading some books or websites or something. Write that down on a Post-it. Aren’t Post-its cool? Hey, remember how Romy and Michelle pretended to have invented Post-its? That was a funny movie. Put it on your Netflix queue. Wow, it’s been a while since you’ve updated that queue.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): With fall around the corner, now would be a good time to finally start that home repair project. Before you get going, make sure you have all the supplies you’ll need. You’d better check in some home reference books for details. Or maybe some magazines. Or wait, isn’t there a home improvement network on TV?

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Spend at least an hour futzing around before you consider attempting anything. For good measure, you may also want to loaf, putter, amble and goof off. Time’s a wasting. That’s your motto. Or make that “Time’s for Wasting.”

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): Just stay in bed today.

———————-
Brought to you by this week’s Monday Mission, which solicits posts written in the form of a horoscope.

Don’t they know what’s going to happen?

The news has come out that scientists will soon be combining animal and human DNA. This Washington Post article gives a rundown:

Britain to Allow Creation of Hybrid Embryos

Capping a months-long scientific and ethics review, British regulators said yesterday that they are prepared to allow the creation of embryos that are part human and part animal for use in medical experiments.

We all know how this is going to play out. Scientists will create these hybrids for good, but then they’ll turn evil. It’s only a matter of time before we start hearing about crazed half-cow, half-humans going on murderous flesh-eating rampages, or plotting the destruction of human civilization. Just look at the background research:

Movies where scientists conduct experiments involving blending humans with animals, which go horribly wrong

The Island of Dr. Moreau (1977) and (1996), Island of Lost Souls (1933), based on the H. G. Wells book. A scientist creates hybrids with humans and various animals. Who turn evil!
Dr. Renault’s Secret (1942)
A scientist turns an ape into a man. But then he turns evil!
Ssssss (1973)
A movie involving turning people into snakes. Who turn evil!
The Fly (1958) and (1986)
A scientist accidently blends himself with a fly. Then turns evil!

Creature Unknown (2003)
A scientist makes a lizard/human hybrid. That turns evil!
Hammerhead: Shark Frenzy (2005)

When he began fusing human and shark DNA, his colleagues laughed at him. Now his creation is taking his revenge, and they aren’t laughing anymore.
Tank Girl (1995)
This movie features the Rippers: human-kangaroo hybrids. Created by scientists as fighting machines, they…turn good! And fight the bad guys. So, if we’re lucky, the British scientists will work mostly with kangaroo DNA.

rich vs. super-rich: the debate continues

ONN, The Onion News Network, brings us the latest on the debate about the growing economic gap in the US.

(I’m reminded of an argument about who is rich and who is just a “normal” person between Rosie and Barbara Walters from a while back. It’s a bit long, though. But up on YouTube, too.)

have you read the manual?

New technology is often met with resistance and some confusion. Happily, there are usually people available to provide technical assistance. Apparently such help has been around a lot longer than I’d realized:

Lifted off the dusty shelves of the raincoaster library.

	marygother on holding up (more or less)
	Icon Lat on Vote well, USA, vote well…
	leaving where I pick… on Picking up where I left o…
	spanishwoods on Frosty fronds
	marygother on driving in the driving ra…
	driving in the drivi… on Rutabaga for days
	marygother on changing of the garlands
	marygother on if a blogger falls in the…
	marygother on Seeing the forest for the…

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Movies where scientists conduct experiments involving blending humans with animals, which go horribly wrong

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(I should have done laundry) yesterday

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